I would like to write a vulnerable blog today, but I also wish to be respectful, so please forgive me if my blog errs too far in either direction. Basically, I want to admit that my life is not always sunshine and roses. Missionary life is just like life back home, just in a different culture and setting. My days are still full of mundane activities—eating three times a day, doing laundry, transporting myself from place to place. And even though I’m a missionary, I still struggle spiritually daily. Some days I don’t feel like spending personal time with God. Many times I try to connect with God but don’t feel Him reaching back toward me. Daily, I succumb to selfishness, laziness, and pride when I should be a servant of all. And occasionally I ask myself, “Why do I believe all this stuff, again?”
But every time I fall off the proverbial horse, I just get back on again. For the two years leading up to the Race, I was struggling very hard spiritually. I no longer sensed the presence of God in anything I did, so I eventually stopped going to church, reading my Bible, attending small group, and everything else pertaining to God. Periodically, I visited Caryn, my college discipler. She would ask me about my life, and I would tell her everything. I expected her to give me advice and tell me I should start doing all those things again, but she never once did. She just listened and affirmed and validated me. And by so doing, she broke the spell of legalism that had a hold on me my whole life. She showed me grace and acceptance when I expected correction and exhortation, and it was surprising and life-changing.
In my 23 years as a human being and a church-goer, I’ve noticed that people are quick to share their successes and slow to share their struggles. This trend has numerous negative effects. (Allow me to switch to the first-person temporarily to ease the grammatical structure of the following sentences. Know that I am just as much on the giving end as the receiving end of this problem.) First, it gives me an incorrect and inflated impression of the reality of others’ lives, which I feel necessary to live up to (of course, I am completely unable to live up to these standards because they were flawed from the out-set). And second, it makes me feel alone in my struggles because I don’t realize that everyone else is struggling as well.
Fortunately, I have come a long way in breaking free of faulty perceptions and expectations, hence this blog post. I wish to extend that same freedom to you, dear readers, by being vulnerable about my own struggles—struggles with myself, with my surroundings, and even with God. And the struggles I’ve shared so far in this blog are just the tip of the iceberg. I have many more to share, but I don’t wish to be too long-winded here, so maybe in an upcoming blog. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and questions! In the meanwhile, here are a few verses about vulnerability and identity to chew on:
– “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.” – 1 John 1:7
– Vulnerability is great because it breaks the power of sin in our lives and restores our fellowship with God and each other
– “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” – Song of Solomon 4:7
– This is the declaration God speaks over us, and if God finds no flaw in us, then there is no danger in vulnerability because whether someone accepts or rejects us, our worth is secure in Christ.
Thanks for coming on this journey with me, dear readers.
All my love,
Katie
