Compliments have been flying at me like bugs to a windshield on the expressway ever since our squad gathered in Pretoria, South Africa.
“Katie, you’re beautiful.”
“You’re stunning.”
“Have you ever considered modeling? You should tryout for America’s Next Top Model!”
I didn’t want to receive them, but they kept coming out of nowhere. The more compliments I got, the more I realized how I view myself. Nearly every praise was met with protest. I grew irritated with people complimenting me, but even more upset with my inability to believe, and accept, their words.
But that’s just it… They are words! And I must tell you, I have really grown to despise words. They can be, and are, easily abused.
There is a catch, though. When people compliment me on attributes that aren’t physical, I have no problem accepting that they see me as someone who is funny, communicative, or has a pure heart. I am happy to accept that they see these qualities in me.
So the million-dollar question is, why is it any different when it concerns my physical appearance?
When I was younger, I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. Years later, my parents started having problems in their marriage, and divorced when I was 12. When I was 18 years old, my dad was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia and was given 2 weeks left to live. He lived exactly 2 weeks. After my dad passed away, I coped with alcohol and an unhealthy relationship. Although I believed in God, I had no personal relationship with Him.
Do I think these events played a role in my inability to understand my worth? Absolutely. I lived with years worth of bondage, lies, and darkness.
In my first serious relationship I experienced every aspect of abuse- emotional, physical, and verbal. During that relationship, I was often told how beautiful I was, but days would pass and then I was told I was fat, ugly, and disgusting. These words messed with my head and my heart. Which one was I?
First of all, I hate that I even bought in to this rubbish! Who is he to dictate what I am?
When you’re in a broken, dark place in life, it’s hard to see clearly.
These are the lies that slowly began to grow throughout my adolescence, and that I still battle with today:
- There is actually a standard of beauty.
- I will never meet that standard.
The other day I had the opportunity to lead devotion in the morning. As a group we discussed what the Bible says about self-image. We had a great conversation, but I left the discussion feeling even more confused. I understand what the Bible is saying, but again, the problem is they’re words. I can acknowledge that the Word is Truth, but how does anyone get to a place where that head knowledge resonates in their heart?
What I did take from the conversation is this:
- It is vital, and necessary, to consistently renew your mind with the Word.
- Know, and understand, your position before God.
- What you feed grows. What you starve dies.
- Life and death is in the power of the tongue.
- Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone’s highlight reels.
- Be secure in what God already says about you.
- Speak truth over yourself.
This is all still a work in progress for me, but I am praying that God will continue to teach me, allowing my head knowledge to move to my heart.
“Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!” –Luke 12:27-28
