We’ve gotten the point in the Race where things get hard. It’s what everyone in leadership likes to call the “B-zone.” The B-zone is where the adventure and romance of the World Race wears off and sleeping on the floor isn’t so charming anymore. Pressing in with your team feels impossible and the thought of one more plate of rice actually makes you want to pull your hair out. None of your stuff fits in your pack the way it should even though you’ve dropped half your clothes or other things you thought you “couldn’t live without.” Your mind often wanders to thoughts of Chic-Fil-A, an “adult” job, and being able to flush toilet paper. Being present is a daily battle. We talked about the B-zone, we prepared for when it would get hard, but I never thought the B-zone would line up so perfectly with a serious season of depression.
While we were still in Malaysia, I started noticing myself slipping in to a dark place but I honestly wasn’t too worried. Depression is something I’ve dealt with for many years so I’ve learned how to pull myself out. I thought I’d done a good job of stopping the problem before it planted roots until I woke up in Phuket one morning and couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t sad or angry. I was completely empty.
For those of you reading this who have never experienced depression, it feels like you’re treading water with a cinderblock tied to your foot. The cinderblock keeps you just below the surface – you’re close to the top but not close enough to actually breathe. It’s feeling everything and nothing all at once. It’s sometimes crippling.
I was so frustrated. I was doing the ministry I’ve always dreamed of doing. My team was doing well. Opportunities were popping up for when I come home. But surrounded by my 42 squadmates at debrief in Bangkok, I felt terrifyingly and excruciatingly alone.
The B-zone. It’s hard for a lot of reasons and it became exponentially harder when I realized the state my mind was in. But the cool thing is, God’s not done here.
I was talking to a close friend of mine yesterday about this issue because they’re in a similar position mentally. While we were talking, the Lord brought me to the story of Job. Anyone who knows me knows that story absolutely grinds on my very last nerve. Not because I feel bad for Job but because I get so angry with him. He’s the stock example of suffering in the Bible but Job does NOT suffer well. He complains. He questions God. He whines and even goes as far as to say, “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” (Job 3:11)
Die? As you came from the womb? TALK ABOUT MELODRAMATIC!
But as soon as that thought comes to mind the Lord smacks me with the hard truth: It bothers me so much because I am Job. Every time life gets hard, what’s the first thing most of us feel the urge to do? FIND SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT TO!
My favorite part of the entire story of Job happens beginning at chapter 38: The Lord Speaks. Just like He did with me yesterday, the Lord smacked Job with some hard truths. For four whole chapters the Lord questioned Job in what I can only imagine as a combination of irritation, sass, and most importantly, love. The summation of His questioning points to one solid truth, the Lord is sovereign over all situations. He created the storehouses of snow. He told the ocean where to stop its waves. He laid the foundation of the entire earth. What makes us so prideful that we believe He doesn’t concern Himself with the details of our lives?
At the end of Job’s story, the Lord did something pretty cool. “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part,” Job 42:12. The last few verses recount the ways the Lord blessed Job and gave him abundantly more than he had to begin with, all for remaining faithful to Him and the life God called Job to lead.
Does the B-zone suck? Absolutely. Am I climbing out of a dark season? With every bit of strength I have. Have I thought about going home? I’ll let you take a guess on that one.
Depression doesn’t disappear with the change of a continent or time zone. But at the end of this story, I trust that by being faithful to God during this season of trial He will bless my struggle and hardship. He will make this fight worth it.
And that’s a promise worth standing on.
All the love from Thailand,
Katie Mere
