It’s funny how quickly things can change. Last month I felt so much peace and comfort operating under the direction of the Lord. Since being in Guatemala I have noticed a big shift and I can think of only one reason: I surrendered the love of my life. By surrender I don’t mean lovingly let go of, I don’t mean held it with open hands for the guidance of the Lord, I don’t mean kissed it goodbye and prayed it would be returned to me. By surrender I mean I laid it at the feet of Jesus and literally set it on fire, a sacrifice for the Lord. I will let Him do with it what He pleases but it is no longer for me to have, not now, not ever.
This separation has been coming for a long time, I’ve just been too stubborn and too prideful to let it go. I felt that I knew better, I could fix everything, and that eventually my selfish ambition would align with the Lord’s plan. I could have everything I wanted. But I didn’t realize how warped this frame of thought was. How can I proclaim to trust in God’s sovereignty yet maintain a death grip on something that was killing me? Those two things do not add up.
On New Year’s Eve, one of my squad leaders led us in an activity to ring in 2017 in a way that would glorify the Lord. We had to write deeds on paper that we were willing to turn over to God and then burn the paper as a sign of release. These deeds were conscious decisions we made that kept us from going deeper in our relationship with the Father. I quickly wrote down three deeds, not fully accepting the gravity of what I was doing. I didn’t realize it would cost something I held so dear.
The three things I wrote down were comparison, negative self-talk/unwholesome talk, and clinging to my life before Christ. Only later did I realize that the latter two were rooted in the first, ugly deed I wrote: comparison. Comparison of myself to others, comparison in my walk with Christ to that of my friends, comparison of my new life with my one before Jesus changed my heart. I was in a love affair with comparison and I can’t do it anymore.
By breaking up with comparison I leave no room to belittle myself, I’m unable to hold who I used to be up to who I am now. Christ set me free from that, isn’t that awesome?
In taking this step, however, I noticed one overwhelming fact. Satan is after me harder than ever. Since starting my journey to letting go of comparison, I have felt my skin burn with envy, my heart break with jealousy, and my mind race with “what ifs.” There has been a spiritual battle within me that I’ve never really experienced before and that’s scary.
A tool that a much wiser squadmate of mine imparted on the group is found directly in the Word of God and helps me fight in this battle. Each morning I start my day by reading and copying 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in to my journal. Instead of reading the passage with the lens of everything that love is, we were challenged to replace the word ‘love’ with our own name. It ends up looking a little something like this:
I am patient; I am kind; I am not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. I do not insist on my own way; I am not irritable or resentful; I do not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoice in truth. I bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things.
If I truly believe those things about myself, how is there room left to compare myself to anything? How could I see myself as something other than worthy or loved? When I read it, leaving ‘love’ where it is, I don’t sit and compare love to anger or hate. I appreciate love for the wonderful gift from the Lord that it is. As long as I strive to become a woman clothed with 1 Corinthians 3:4-7, there’s no room for me to believe anything less of myself.
Hasta luego, comparison. I won’t miss you.
Love always.
KM
Support Raising Update: I am still $3,038 away from my FINAL deadline of $16,561. I have until January 31st to reach that goal (only 4 weeks, WOW) and remain on the Race. I can’t do this without y’alls help. If you’re able, please consider clicking the “donate” button to help support the adventure God has set me on. It would literally mean the world to me.
