Have you ever been in a relationship where it seemed that all you did was give but you never got anything back? Lots of people know the feeling and how hard it can be. But what about the reverse? Can it be difficult to feel stuck in a place where it seems that all you’re doing is taking? Like no matter what you do, there is no way to give enough to even the scales?
I found myself in a situation like that in Moldova. The first two months of my route, I felt like I did what I came on the World Race to do: give. Give of myself, my time, my energy. I definitely received a lot during those months, but it felt like it evened out more or less. I tried to pour myself out as much as I could, so when I was loved and blessed, it seemed like a fair trade off.
Then we got to Moldova.
And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep up with the blessings poured out on me.
Our host was pastor Mihail and his wonderful family. He leads one church in Singerii and a church plant in a small village nearby. During the summer he runs Christian camps for children on top of everything else he does. Our team stayed on the campgrounds and spent most of our time scraping old paint off of buildings and repainting. On the weekends we did children’s ministry with the kids from the church and made home visits with Mihail. We participated in church services and prayed for the people of the community, and Mihail was able to arrange for us to visit the public schools to teach English classes about America.
It sounds like a full enough load, but what we were able to do for Mihail and the people of Singerii seemed to just pale in comparison to what they did for us.
From the beginning he was so eager to bend over backwards with no complaint. Every meal was like a feast: plates of sliced tomatoes and cucumbers, fried dough, eggs, and sliced meat, mugs for tea and coffee, bowls of honey and amazing home-canned jam… and this is just breakfast people. We couldn’t understand how our money seemed to go so much further here and suspected that they may have been spending their own money as well. We came to find out that while some contacts may keep a portion of the food budget (understandably, as they purchase and prepare all the food) Mihail and his wife Galina felt that it would be wrong to keep any for themselves. They spent every penny we gave them and served us as a gift.
I could go on and on about all the ways they blessed us. I could do a blog series and still not say enough. On our free day Mihail would drive us all over Moldova for sightseeing. We visited old churches, hiked mountains, and searched for waterfalls. On top of that we had another free day just for rest. In the evenings when we finished our work the family would arrange authentic Moldovan experiences for us like milking cows and goats, bareback riding, and harvesting walnuts. Near the end of the month when the family realized that we didn’t have any warm clothes for the chilly month ahead of us, they presented us with more gifts: warm jackets and boots. When the time came for us to leave they sent us off with “I Love Moldova” tees and bags full of the food for the trip to Romania. And that’s only Mihail’s family! The entire congregation would not relent from blessing us: fresh grapes off the vine, home-harvested honey, fresh pastries, warm clothes… one talented young guy from the church even drew a portrait of each one of us.
And it was all really challenging for me! Each time another gift was given or blessing bestowed, I wanted more and more to yell “Enough! Please! We came here to help you! This is too much!” Which is funny, because I’ve more or less cried that same thing out to God. I’m fine with receiving… as long as I can even the scales out. Really what it comes down to is a compulsion to earn love. I’m afraid of being a moocher. Honestly I don’t want anyone to look at me and say I took more than I gave, or have them resent or regret the love they showed me. To truly receive, no strings attached, you need to humble yourself and be vulnerable before the gift giver. That’s the only way it can truly be a gift, because that’s the only way the gift can truly be free.
In the end I had to roll over and just take it. Let them love me to death even though it seemed like too much and not what I deserved.
Mihail and his family showed us the love of Christ and it reminded me of how God wants to bless me… just bless me. No debt to be repaid. I don’t have to be really good, read a certain number of chapters of my Bible each day, or even give up a year of my life to do missions work. I can do absolutely nothing and He still wants to love and bless me. 1 John 4:8 says God is love. He loves because of who He is, not who we are or what we can do. The truth is, even if I could break my back keeping up with trying to balance the scales with another human, there is no way I could get even with God’s blessings. There’s no settling the score when it comes to Jesus- from square one I was in debt, and I could never pay Him back for what He did for me on the cross.
Grace means God gives us good things that we don’t deserve… that’s the whole point. You can’t try to earn it after-the-fact. It’s free and unmerited, and that’s what makes it so, so good.
So I’m learning. Learning to just receive blessing without worrying how I can bless others back. God’s not keeping score, so all I have to do is enjoy. Enjoy the blessings when they come my way and enjoy the opportunities God gives me to be a blessing back.
