This past month seems like a dream. As we drove to the bus station, it felt like I was fighting the feeling of waking up as I tried to hold onto the dream that was slowly fading. I was excited for what was to come. I was excited to see friends that I had not seen all month, to hear about their month and what the Lord had been teaching them, but a part of me felt like I was driving back into the real world. Away from a month full of the Lords goodness, beautiful people and experiences that no one else would understand. I felt like I was leaving the safe bubble that I had created for myself and that as soon as I got out of the taxi that bubble would pop. It was hard to leave.
Bolivia was everything. Everything that I needed, everything that I wanted and everything that I had been waiting for. Everything that was so sweet and so good and everything that was scary, overwhelming, reminiscent and full of things that I wanted to run way from. It was a month of new things. Full of promises for the future, new revelations, and coming face to face with my past. If I have learned anything over the past three years its that you can always try to run away, or suppress things from your past, whether it is past pain, problems, or struggles, but whatever it is, at some point it will always catch up with you. And in order to move forward, you have to grab a hold of whatever it is and choose to deal with it. The Lord revealed a lot this month but I knew in order to fully step into the future that he has promised me I would need to look back and reflect because that is where my future starts. With reflection.
At the beginning of the month the Lord told me a couple of things.
1. To press in and lean into him and not my own understanding. That clarity comes to those who are patient and wait for the truth that comes from his voice and his words.
2. That this month I would see his glory but with that hardship and confusion would follow. My only task would be to trust him and know that with him and his word comes truth, grace, and freedom.
3. Isaiah 58:8
4. The future starts with reflection.
Lean not on your own understanding. Though trails and confusion may come you will see the glory of the Lord.
Truth, Grace, Freedom
This month I came face to face with past hurts, with past struggles, with past feelings and emotions. Things that I have continuously run away from in the past. Things that trigger me into feeling a certain way and wants that lead me to pursue certain things. Things that scare me because they suck me in and take over my mind. But through the mist of all of this has come truth. Truth that comes from acknowledgement and admitting that this is a struggle that takes my gaze off of the Lord and puts it on things of this world. I believe that this the first step to the road of grace and freedom. To acknowledge, is to be brave enough to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you are broken. To look at yourself and look past the muck that you don’t want anyone else to see. To come face to face and choose to tell yourself that there is more on the other side. Discomfort, shame and pain may follow and are in fact inevitable but on the other side of these unwanted emotions are grace, freedom and growth. You have to believe, that these things though hard are worth going through for true freedom.
This month I admitted and acknowledged that I struggle with co-dependency. That sometimes I don’t believe the truth that the Lord is all I need. I know he is but I don’t always feel like he is. I think that sometimes my desire for more outweighs the truth that I already know and believe to be true. Sometimes its hard to remember. Sometimes everything gets lost along the way. So I needed a way to remember. A way to always look back, to know and believe where the Lord has been, what he has done, who he says he is, and the promises he has made.
So I came up with a list of truths. These are the truths the Lord has spoken over me. The things that I can look back on and find my center no matter where I am or how I feel. This is what I know.
Luke 2:10
Exodus 3:12
Exodus 14:14
Joshua 1:9
Romans 5:1-5
Romans 12:8
Proverbs 3:3-4
Luke 2:10 That Jesus was given to me and this world in the form of a baby. That he was sent to be our savior and our greatest joy. Exodus 3:12 That even though I doubt myself and my abilities sometimes, the Lord has promised me that he will be with me every step of the way. Exodus 14:14 The truth that I no longer have to tread water to stay alive. I no longer have to fight a losing battle. The Lord does not just want me to swim he wants me to stand on the water. He wants to fight for me, to have me be still, to trust and surrender control so that I can be (Joshua 1:9)strong and courageous for him and because of him. Romans 5:1-5, that I am not a slave to self doubt and expectations. That I don’t have to live up to anything or anyones thoughts of who I am or who I should be. That I have been justified through faith and with that comes peace, grace and hope. Romans 12:8 That the Lord has made me to be an encourager. That I see him most by listening to people’s stories. I hear him the most when he wants me to pass on his encouragement to others. He has given me the capacity to love many and listen for extended amounts of time and wait for him, as I receive the gift of seeing a person for who he has made them to be. And last but not least Proverbs 3:4-5. That when I get lost in my own thoughts and get trapped in my head I am not meant to stay there. My way out of the rabbit hole is Proverbs 3:4-5. I am called to trust the Lord and his plan for my life. To not lean on my own understanding but to submit to him and what he has for me. For his plan is straight and perfect.
So now what? Now I face the truth and start my journey into the Lord’s grace. What if I could turn this all consuming and suffocating thing into something beautiful? What if I was fully dependent on the Lord? My desire is to say with complete confidence and assurance that he is enough.
So that is where I am, and that is where I am going. Into a new season of what it means to fully depend on the Lord. What does that look like exactly I am not sure. I can guarantee that discomforts will be present but it will be so worth it for all of that freedom.
All I know is that I don’t want to run away anymore because true freedom is waiting on the other side.
Freedom is ours for the taking and it starts through truth. Truth in admitting who you really are. After truth comes the Lords grace, and believing that you are worthy of his grace and the freedom that comes from it.
I am not there yet. But some of my burdens sure do feel a lot lighter since allowing him to shine light on the dark places of myself.
This is my prayer:
Then you light will break forth like the dawn,
And your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Isaiah 58:8
Light=(truth) will break through the darkness=(chaos and confusion).
Now that truth (light) has now been exposed, healing would quickly appear. That healing would come as righteousness and go before me as I begin to share my story. That my past darkness and hardship would be used for him and his glory. That I would believe and trust that though hard at times, he is turning all of this into righteousness. That he and His glory would be left behind. That his glory would be my rear guard. So be it.
And that was Bolivia.
-Kt
