Brick by brick these walls have been built around my heart. Each rough stone created from its own unique story. Years of labor. Years of pain.
Without this structure of mine I would be left in the open. Vulnerable to heartache and hurt. I would have nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.
There was a time when I was proud of these walls. I was proud of all that my smile could hide. To be completely surrounded by people, by friends, yet not one of them knowing of the battle within.
These walls completely encompass all that is me. Over years of not feeling understood by those closest to me, the stones became thicker. The walls grew taller. The stronger they became, the better I became at holding everything in.
Then God brought some amazing people into my life. People who want to be there for me. To support me. But I know that they feel the distance. I can see it in their eyes. I feel entrapped in my own structure. I know these walls cannot stay.
There is no easy way out though, and I do not know how to tear them down. I try to make cracks in hopes that they will just crumble, but they are so strong.
Outside on guard sits fear. Fear will not let anything come near these walls. He says he is here to protect me from embarrassment, from heartache, and from pain.
I am here to say fear is not going to control my life.
If I were to wish for just one thing from this next year, it would to be free. Free from the darkness and the loneliness.
Please Lord crumble these walls. For the best of things are not hidden behind walls. They are wild and free.
