I have put off writing this post since the day after training camp – I would blame my broken computer but, truthfully, I was taking some time to understand my feelings before sharing them.
Training camp was hard –
It was discombobulating because I was “doing life” with fifty-five people whose names I kept forgetting. It was uncomfortable because the daily eating, sleeping and activity arrangements where designed to make you ache. It was distressing because I spent the entire week missing home – family, friends, “me” time, diet coke ( . . . just kidding, kinda) – so how could I survive eleven months with this thick homesickness clogged up in my throat?
I was irritated with myself –
Frustrated because I told God I was willing to do whatever He saw fit and then started flailing when He moved beyond my comfort zone. Guilt-ridden because my attitude was more like the young, rich man (who valued the world more than JESUS) than a disciple who clings to Him. Confused and wrestling because I had forgotten that His will always works for my good and His glory. Undeserving because I was unnapreciative of the opportunity HE had given me and thinking about selling it for a car ride home.
Yet, despite all of that, He held me close –
He told me how much He loves me through our “race mom,” Lisa. He warmed my heart, during a cold night, with a teammate and a shared sleeping bag. He reassured me in the book Christy that He is completely sovereign; from the first page to the last. He revealed true contentment when we laughed and worshiped during ice-cold bucket showers. He reminded me that I am a “young, rich [wo]man,” (not of the world but as a daughter in HIS kingdom) every time I heard You’re a Good Good Father. He reaffirmed that my feelings and emotions, although important and valid, are fleeting next to His unchanging character. He reiterated that life has nothing on holding His hand.
He never stops claiming me worthy – through His grace and power alone – and because of Him, I am still on this journey: trusting, believing, resting.
We depart for India in a month and, to my surprise, I am filled with a deep peace that I can ONLY explain to be from The Lord. Although I am extremely sad to think about leaving my community here (this will be the last blog that I publish before launch as I want to be fully present and active with them during this time), I cannot wait to see what our Father has planned out for all of us – those on the race and those on the home front – in 2015!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year folks!
