This year God has taught me a lot about sitting. My nature has been to run as fast as I can until I fall on my face. But on the Race I couldn’t maintain the momentum of that for more than a week at a time. It seemed like something was always coming up that slowed me down or stopped me dead in my tracks.
There came a time (for a good month or 2) where I couldn’t jump back in even if I wanted to. I was so tired, so hurt and broken that I didn’t know how to run anymore. So I sat. I sat for a whole month and looked everything dark and ugly in the face. And at the end of that month God called me to stand. He reached down and pulled me up into joy and hope and purpose. Because my God is faithful and He never lets me stay down for long.
I learned a lot during that season: how to trust God even when He looks like the bad guy, how to follow God even when it feels like things are going to suck forever, how to sit in the messiest of shit and still come out to find beauty in the world again, that even if I mess up or opt out I can still choose to come back and there will always be people who love me that stick around. The list goes on.
And while I learned a tremendous amount during that season, there was a lesson I didn’t catch until yesterday.
This week I started school at BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Cleveland Ohio. And in the worship yesterday I felt God calling me to sit. For those of you who’ve seen me worship, you know that this is a lot harder for me than it would seem. I LOVE to move when I worship. I love to dance and sway and “heart conduct” and wave around my hands like flags. Asking me to sit down in worship is like putting me in a time out unless I’m really tired or overwhelmed.
And when I sat I felt bubble up all the stuff I wasn’t addressing in the whirlwind and excitement of a double transition (coming back to the states and moving to Cleveland). The tears fell easily and I opened my heart to look closely and give it all to Jesus. When I did I was reminded of that time a few months ago. I was surprised to find my heart was heavy and uncomfortable but it didn’t HURT like it had then. I wasn’t hurt or swirling, just burdened and needed to let some stuff go.
I felt the words: “What are you sitting in? Sit in me, not what you’re dealing with.”
It was the most amazing distinction.
I still believe it was valuable to have experienced what I did in Mongolia/China. There are lessons I don’t know if I would have grasped if I had done it the “right way.” But I look back and see how much better it could have been if I would have chosen to sit in the lap of my Daddy instead of thinking I had to sit in the mud at His feet.
It was so much easier yesterday to sit and look at the trials of the day, not in them, but from up in my Papa’s arms. There were still tears of sorrow, but they were fleeting as I lifted my arms and told God “This is where I’m at and what I have. It’s all yours now. I receive love and I receive YOU.”
It was powerful to find myself crying and releasing what was trying to hold me back and find it was only day 2 of school. I feel like it’s a pretty good indicator of the freedom of identity this year holds for me. It’s truly laughable how many times the word “confidence” has been used to describe me here, whether in the prophetic or regular conversation.
I don’t know all that this year holds but I can tell you this: we’re gunna rock it!
So today I’d like to encourage you all to evaluate yourself. Maybe you’re running, which is awesome. (I still run and jump the minute God says “go.”) And maybe you’re siting today. Sitting is valuable as it gives us rest and a chance to exhale before we get up and go at it again.
But if you are sitting, I challenge you to look at WHERE you’re sitting. Are you sitting in the mess of your problems? That’s not altogether bad- at least you’re addressing them and acknowledging that they’re there. But know that there is more victory for you waiting in the form of a hug. Will you choose to sit in the lap of love that is our Father? It’s the safest place in the word and holds so much more peace (talk about peace that persists even when I don’t understand life). It’s my new favorite place to be. And I have to admit, I like sitting a lot more when it’s in Him.
