South Korea was a really great processing month for me. Things were coming to the surface, light was shining in corners of my heart, truth was revealed, lies weren’t fully being cast down but they were beginning to come out of the wood work. I came out of hiding from my team and fully rejoined them in our final month on the field together. All in all I was myself again, if a little muddled, growing and gaining momentum.
I switched into hyper processing mode as things connected and separated in a beautiful “ahh, that makes sense.” I pressed into anything that bothered me, sometimes leading to quiet times going into the wee hours of the morning, digging deeper through the spiral of it all. And I feel like several things clicked those last 24 hours in Korea (wish I could remember them all at the moment).
And then we got to Japan. I had spent unusually little time asking God to prepare my heart all things considered. It’s like I’d been playing catch up all month and couldn’t manage to look forward.
So I was vulnerable to all the lies and things that had been creeping into my heart the past few months. And while I saw truth I couldn’t quite dislodge it from the rat’s nest of gunk that had tangled around it.
All of a sudden I felt like no one in the world could understand me like my squad. No one was as healthily helpful with my mess (which is ironically a very unhealthy dependency). And now I was going to be without them. I was just getting somewhere not crappy and they were leaving.
Survival mode switched on and I was going to get back to them. It felt terrible as I tried to figure out what was going on in my heart. The thought was “Im just not as good on my own. I can’t figure myself out by myself.” I was banking on learning to believe I am enough through people who could never teach me that truth to a heart level no matter how genuinely they tried.
I had already made efforts to switch my plane ticket to come to the States early for PSL. (It was a cute idea I got in Korea when God informed me “Japan is not the end for you, I am.” Since I wasn’t necessarily called to Japan alone, why stay there a full 5 weeks? It’d be so much more fun to surprise everyone by showing up- I’d end the way I started, jumping in unexpectedly. At least that was my general train of logic.)
I had come to place my hope in the freedom I could achieve with my squad and in the joy of the community we held. I forgot about everything I had hoped Japan would be. I just wanted to BE here. And everything else fell away.
After a couple of conversations of being called on the carpet (topics mainly convicting my pride, self-pity, and bitterness/ lack of forgiveness toward God) I was challenged by my squad leader to reevaluate my decision. And though it took me a day to admit it, I knew I couldn’t rush what God has planned for Japan these next 4 weeks.
I know this is where I am supposed to be. And there’s a very intentional reason He gave me the date August 28th, no sooner no later. And once I laid down all that I was striving to make happen, He immediately started blessing my socks off and reminding me why it really is Im still here.
He’s really cool like that.
So the next few weeks in Japan I hope to learn all about:
-what is enough? (God being enough and me being enough)
-identity (I am His beloved) and finding rest in Him
-redirecting what’s inside (discipline vs relationship)
-having fun and enjoying God
-what’s next? (where am I headed after 12in11)
*And anything else He wants to throw in there for fun. Bring on the growth!
I’ve already been able to start putting into practice some things I’ve learned and become accustomed to on the Race. God is so faithful to bring me here to allow my journey to be unique and fully beneficial. I get the feeling He would have let me go home if that’s what I continued to be set on. But I’m so glad I didn’t waste the gift He gave me and I fought so hard for.
So my challenge for you today is to check your motives when you’re set on having/doing something. Sometimes underneath it all there’s stuff hiding and the time has come for it to get kicked outta here. And the moment we switch into survival mode is a good indicator that we’re running from something. Don’t go running away from yourself. It’ll take you farther from God too.
Love ya’s~ be blessed
Thanks for all the prayers and comments!
