Vulnerability
It’s a scary word for a lot of people. It’s hard to define and sometimes even harder to see what’s so important about it.
The first half of this Race I really went for it when it came to being vulnerable. I shared anything and everything that I was going through or processing, even if I was ashamed of others knowing about it. No cost was too great if it meant getting the healing and growth I was seeking.
I was taking strides; not running as fast or long as I wanted but consistently moving forward without holding anything back.
And then….I don’t really know what happened. One day this month I woke up and realized I hadn’t sought God in any way shape or form all day. It was a terrifying moment that shook me to the core and made me reevaluate my last couple of months on the field.
I came to the conclusion that something inside me completely and utterly broke back in Vietnam. It was part a misunderstanding with teammates (we kinda stopping being a team that month for all intents and purposes). Losing Japan was a piece of the puzzle along with other dreams that I felt like I had to take action now or I’d miss out on them. My arm injury probably had a small part in things too. In the end I’m not really sure what happened. I just know that this month I stopped completely buying into community and that steamed from a lack of vulnerability, which stopped being as much of a thing somewhere around Vietnam. And there it is:
I’ve been running this Race alone.
And I don’t know how to fix what’s been broken. I don’t know how to believe 100% in community when I suddenly realize I don’t know how to trust them in ways I used to think natural. There’s nothing I can do to go back and I’m at a loss for how to go forward.
I’ve got my God and I know He’s all I need but I’m coming to find I’ve been rather disappointed with Him lately. And that’s not the me I know.
I also don’t have anything to tie this up with a pretty bow. I’m still wrestling through the mud with this. I have more questions than answers and more sorrows than joy at this point- which is also unlike me. I know in the pit of my spirit that everything’s going to be ok. God’s got me in the palm of His hand and eventually He’s going to connect the dots, turn on the lights and everything will make sense. Today isn’t that day but maybe tomorrow?
There’s about 6 or so blogs I sort of started (one almost finished). I do intend to unleash a tumult of blogs in the next week if God can help me get my words together. I just felt like I needed to start with this one. Because here is when I let you into what I’m really going through. Here is where I let you see my heart, even if it means being misunderstood. And I know from experience that showing vulnerability eventually leads to acceptance and freedom and lots of other good things.
So here I am. Take it or leave it. I’m a mess and a half. But I’m not finished. I’ve got 3 months left on the field (well 4, but that’s a blog for another day). And while it’s impossible at this point to go back home the way I was before, I refuse to leave the Race walking in any less freedom than I’ve asked and prayed for all these months. Next time ya’ll see me I’m going to be a hell of a lot more like the person I always wanted to be. I just gotta walk through some muck first.
Wait and see. This moment of vulnerability is going to be the start of a whole new journey.
