H squad lost Japan on our all Asia route.
They announced it with a string of other sad news when our squad got back together upon entering Vietnam. One of my dear friends who had gone back to the U.S. in November for surgery was not in fact coming back to us. And a couple other squad mates were leaving (one had already flown home the previous day) for different reasons.
I remember hearing about each person as they were announced one at a time. I thought about how one of our squad leaders was also leaving once we went to our prospective cities in Nam (We’d known about that from the beginning and it was part of the plan, but it was a loss all the same). I wanted to cry but something in me couldn’t.
Then they dropped the bomb shell. We weren’t going to Japan. And because of money. There’s a max budget that Aim is able to spend on lodging and what not (it’s just not practical when you consider 40+ people and totally makes sense). We have one contact that allows us to fit in that budget at this time and they have informed us that it’s not feasible to receive more than one squad a year. It would be too expensive for us to go to Japan so we will instead be going to Mongolia for May, China in June and will finish with South Korea during July.
It took everything in me to not lose all my composure and just sob. Friends who knew how much Japan meant to me immediately flocked to my side. I sat stunned but keeping my rage tightly lidded. Silent tears streamed down my face as I waited for the meeting to wrap up so I could go hide somewhere.
For those of you who don’t know me, I am passionately in love with Japan, despite never having been there or knowing a tremendous amount about them. This time last year God reawakened a call on my life to one day go and serve the youth of Japan. After my own battle with middle school I have always had a heart for middle schoolers and those who fall between the cracks. I relate to a lot of the struggles Japan seems to have. And I long to fight for a country and people that a lot of people don’t bother fighting for. Most consider it a country with less need or too costly.
And that fills me with outrage.
Because for a long time it seemed like no one fought for me. Only Jesus was there to save me and protect me. And I want to fight for people who aren’t being fought for. I want to fight for people and help them see their worth. I want to show them the love of He who is and has always been enough for me- and the love that says, “You’re enough. I love you just as you are but I love you too much to let you stay alone and broken. Come with me to walk a journey of freedom and purpose.”
I came on the Race because of Japan. I wouldn’t have found Aim unless I’d been looking for a way into Japan. It was the one door standing wide open for me to run through. And God moved mountains to get me here.
The other 10 countries were just a bonus, icing on the cake. I didn’t know much about any of them. I had never even heard of Laos as a country before and only knew about Malaysia because of the plane crash. I looked forward to going to each of them and I intended to pour everything into each of those countries. But Japan was what I really came here for.
So I was blindsided when God completely turned my world upside down, breaking everything that wasn’t firmly rooted in Him. And then, after taking me through all that heart ache… After somehow leading me through the fire, healing me, growing me, refining me… After some of the hardest months in my walk with Him He ripped Japan right out of my now empty hands.
It’s like I’d been offered a piece of chocolate cake. I heard about how delicious it would be: warm, rich, moist and covered with smooth, silky icing. Then it comes out on a tray and you notice something’s wrong. There’s no cake. It’s just a pile of icing on a plate where your cake should be. I don’t know about you but while icing is great, it can’t truly shine without the cake underneath it. Japan was the cake of my Race. And that night I discovered God might not give it to me.
And this wasn’t the first time we’ve played this game. There are 4 dreams that I feel are God given dreams I will one day live out. And each one, multiple times, God has woken up and fostered and nurtured and encouraged. And then one day He stops and says, “Not yet.” And I’ve had to give them up one more time. I’ve chosen to follow what He wants because I know His plans are greater and He knows what He’s doing and He really is good (even when it feels like He isn’t).
But this felt like one time too many.
I felt tricked. I felt played. I felt lost and unsure of everything. I angrily swore at Him and yelled and cried and punched the bench beneath me. I asked God, “How the hell can I still trust you!? How can I still love you and know it’s going to be ok? How can I have hope when you’ve taken away my dreams again? How can I manage to see your goodness in all of this? Why do I still trust you!? What have you done to me to make me feel this way? Why am I not done with you!?” Nothing made sense.
For over an hour I vented to my dear friend and squad mate. I showed her a side of myself I don’t think I’ve shown anyone (except maybe my brother). I showed her my ugly, dark, jaded, cynical, angry side. I said everything remotely on my heart, no holds barred. And at the end, you know what she told me? She said I gave her hope! That’s the last thing I’d expected to hear.
It’s a little unfair that I’m sharing this with you now because I’m not in that place anymore. However, I feel you show know because that’s part of the journey. Sometimes we’re really angry with God, even when deep down we know it’s going to be ok (or even if you don’t feel like it’s going to be ok). Sometimes we lash out at God and ask all the questions and show Him our ugly side.
But you know what? He can handle our less presentable sides. He created us and knows us. He knows we’re fallen and imperfect. And He loves us anyway. In fact, in those moments He reaches out to us even more, because we’re open to Him.
The beauty of waiting until now to write this is that now I can see my heart more clearly. I can see how even in the darkness I really never gave up. I can see how even in the doubt, I had an unshakeable trust in God. And deep down I felt that I am still going to Japan on the Race. (I don’t know for sure if that will come to pass. A squad mate and I are praying, believing, and fighting for something to work out. But there’s no tangible proof we will succeed. There’s just faith and hope.)
The amazing thing though is how good God is in all of this- and how good He has been to bring me to this point. In the past this would have destroyed me. It would have created a wedge between me and God. But we’ve come too far for that. He has consistently been too faithful.
He is so good that my heart can no longer stop trusting Him, even when I don’t feel like it.
I can’t go back to who I was before and I can’t walk away from the One who has become everything to me. I mean come on, I tattooed His name on my body so that everyone can see that I am His. There’s no turning back from that.
So even though I’m weak and unsure of the future, I know He is good enough to keep leading me forward- to keep bringing me more into myself. And I’m excited for that. I’m excited to go to Japan one day, but more than that I’m excited to go wherever my Jesus is going. Because I’m with Him.
He’s the real cake. Everything else is just the icing.
