I remember the last time I truly hit rock bottom. 2 years into an addiction to pornography, depressed, isolated, full of anxiety and constantly tormented within. I was 15 years old and while God had delivered me from a spirit of suicide 3 years earlier, I felt more caged and dead than ever. I didn’t even have control of my own mind. And no one seemed to have the slightest inclination that I was not myself.
Then it happened.
I was at youth group one Wednesday night when something Pastor Greg said broke through all the numbness, all the fear, and all the crap. I don’t remember what he said but God used that moment to pierce right to my soul. All I could do was cry silently and beg God to help me because I knew if I tried to quit alone, I’d be right back in my prison cell the moment I locked my door that night. So He sent me to Bambie- one of the last people I wanted to tell my secret sin to. I worked in the Children’s Ministry under her, I babysat her kids, I hung out at her house for years. I didn’t want to lose that safe place I had with her.
But the second Greg ended the service the Holy Spirit told me, “Go to Bambie.”
So I went. But I didn’t get the reaction I was expecting. Instead of rejection and judgement she just listened as I balled my eyes out to her. I confessed everything. From the smallest to the ugliest sin I could think of. I learned latter that she couldn’t understand half of what I said because I was crying so hard but she knew God could hear me and that I needed serious deliverance. So she prayed with me and we made a plan for accountability.
For the next few years she sowed so much love and guidance into me, I can’t even begin to tell you. God used her to counsel me when I was too scared to be labeled crazy by a psychologist. He used her to mentor me through 2 rough years of healing and growth as I climbed out of all the mire and muck.
I started legit reading the Bible, praying more than just the repetitive mantras I’d used in the past (but had real conversations with Him) and journaling. (Which I LOVE!) I started acknowledging and claiming verses like, Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” and 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” And I learned to walk in the fruit of the Spirit (like joy and self control).
I started changing from the wounded victim, hiding in an empty shell into a beloved daughter of the King. I was accepted by peers. There were people who wanted to hear what I had to say and who were interested in my counsel.
Then God called me to serve Him as an apostle. He called me to mentor kids and youth; to plant churches; to be a missionary; to be a spiritual mom to those who don’t have one; and to do whatever He asks, whenever He asks, wherever He asks. I don’t deserve this call nor have I done it with any particular flare thus far.
But I am honored to answer the call to follow my Jesus. I have learned from experience that I can’t do a thing on my own but only through Christ am I victorious. No matter what happens these next 11 months and however long I’m on this earth, I am satisfied in Him. I am the Lord’s and He is my everything.
This January will make 6 years since that fateful day of choice. Everyday has been and remains to be a choice. I will not turn away or go back. I will continue to draw closer to my Savior and Lord, knowing each step I will be letting go of everything else. Whatever it takes.
My name is Katie Kroeger and I am not a fan.
