I feel lost, confused and distracted.
I feel like I don’t know which way is up anymore. Like my entire life has been turned upside down again.
I feel like I don’t know. . .I just don’t know anything anymore.
I feel like I have been constantly questioning myself. . .probing deeper, asking more and more questions.
I feel like something is about to break inside of me.
I feel . . .wow … me me me me me me.
Once again here I am worried about how I feel, what about me?
Is that what my life is really for? Have I been placed here to worry about myself and my advancement or have I been placed here to advance the Kingdom.
I am tired, no I am exhausted and empty, as I should be, right? As I should be laying myself down so that others may walk over me to get where they need to be. God confronted me with this the other day.
Since Antigua I had been praying for a vineyard. . .
Proverbs 31:16 “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”
I want to plant a vineyard. I want to plant seeds and water them. I want to watch God grow them into beautiful plants that bear beautiful fruit. I want to tend and raise this garden of leaders, of Kingdom builders, of pure lovers of the Lord. I want to invest as much sweat, tears, joy and great love into them as the Lord will allow me to and then take a step back and allow them to flourish on their own. Allow them to walk fully in what the Lord has given them. Allow them to glorify Him only in what He uses them for. This is a dream the Lord has been speaking to my heart for 3 months and honestly it hasn’t been until a couple weeks ago that I noticed He had sewed it into my heart. He has connected His heart and mine with this little dream and slowly He is revealing the pieces and parts of it that He has called me for. God puts us in this amazing place of conviction and humility when we ask Him for things. I feel like He really has us consider and weigh what we are asking for before He moves forward with it. He gives us a taste and measures our reaction, to see if we are really sure. God has been doing this to me all week. Giving me a little preview of what this dream and desire looks like in action, of what it is like to take a step back and allow people to lead and operate in the giftings He has given them. What it is like to let go of their hands. There have been many times where what I have asked for has happened and I find myself having to check my attitude and Him reminding me that “This is what you asked for”. I am hit with the spirit of performance, comparison and failure. I wrestle with them and stand firm on the truth in what God has called me to do and who He has called me to be. I repent to the Lord. They are defeated and He brings new light to my eyes, Yes this is what I want! He shows me the joy that is in these dreams and desires and I am content with taking that step back and watching Him move. I pray for increase, I pray for more of His amazing movement in the people I have been called to serve and then I remember…
“Jesus served with the heart of a king and ruled with the heart of a servant”
That quote completely breaks me. It makes me reevaluate my motives and purpose every time I hear it. This isn’t about leading, it is about SERVING. I feel like I should say it over and over again every morning.
I ask God “Am I serving?” “Am I glorifying You in everything that I do?”
Probably not, I am a sinner, I have weaknesses, I wrestle with the enemy everyday, but God sees that, He washes me clean, He forgives me, He uses my weakness to His greatest advantages and He serves as the truth I stand on and claim every day! HE LOVES ME THE MOST, unconditionally and eternally.
Of course these are all things I need to work on, but every day is brand new and the slate is washed clean. Each morning is a morning to wake up and rededicate my life to the Lord, not just to say it but to walk in it. Actions speak louder than words – so old school but so true. I get to wake up and “sing of Your love in the morning, tell of Your deeds in the evening” and it is SO GOOD. I have a life that is not mine, I have no ownership in it at all, I can’t even say I have it, but I LOVE it! I could not see myself anywhere else but here. The more I walk in what He has purposed and planned, the more things don’t make sense, but at the same time completely make sense. The more in love with Him I fall, the more I get to know Him and trust Him. Its an amazing feeling that I dare any of you to try on for a day. . .you will never be the same! I’m not and I pray, hope and beg that He continues to change me, to use me as a vessel, to stretch me, challenge me and take me higher. I know in that I will be blessed. . .the greater we walk in obedience the greater and more clear are His blessings. AMEN!
