I have not blogged lately and that is because I have been going through a few realizations since I got to Croatia. Time to share them.
I have missed living in a world where I pick who I want to spend my time with, where I choose my own friends. But here is the thing, part of coming on the race, means you have to buy into community and through that you have to buy into loving people the way Jesus calls us to, whether you would normally chose to be around them or not. I think a lot of us girls on Ruach knew something was wrong in the air, complacency has taken it’s spot in the diver’s seat and we were heading off the edge quick.
Then tonight, we finally had a moment to hash it out as women. We skipped the prayer meeting with the church and instead I suggested we worship and pray together. The emotions poured out. We prayed and prayed and asked for forgiveness from each other for feelings we stored up against one another. It was really long but worth it. I had a huge revelation. As I was sitting there thinking about how exhausted I am. In month eight of the race… over community, over worrying all the time how everyone is doing, how I can serve other people, how I can be intentional with my teammates, and in general, over loving so hard that is makes me feel burned out. I started reassuring myself that it was ok to feel burned out, sometimes we need to step back to relax. I realized THAT is wrong. Of course, only after God smacked me in the face.
“Do you not think that it hurt Jesus to love the way He did? It was hard, loving that way is exhausting, and to lose is to gain. The more you feel like you lose yourself through loving others the closer you get to loving like Jesus.”
It was interesting. I was ready to give up just when I was capturing what loving like Jesus is like. Loving is hard.
“Love until your hands and feet bleed.”
Now this is where the story pushes me to some serious humility….
That quote came to mind, ironically. . . ok not really so ironic considering I look at it daily… I have that quote tattooed on the arch of my foot… Now, I often times look at the tattoo on my foot and think to myself…. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING, THAT CRAP IS PERMANENT!
As I am sitting at the table facing my teammates, contemplating the irony of this tattoo, that speaks of hard love, not a stick-on tattoo but rather one that was never coming off, never ever, ever, ever… I hear God laughing and telling me, “Well that is what happened when you chose to follow me, my love was tattooed on your heart and it’s permanent, that doesn’t mean it comes easy, that some days you aren’t going to wonder what you got yourself into, but it’s always there, and now look at what you tattooed on your body… love these people even when it hurts… until your hands and feet bleed because that is what I did for you.”
It’s funny that when I got the tattoo I thought how awesome the quote was, and it is, it still is. However, I remember wishing later I had a stronger tie to it than just… oh sweet, love always. I figured, shoot if I was going to look at it all the time it should at least mean something very personal and convicting to me personally. So I started praying for that. That God would somehow make this tattoo come to life.
Well, needless to say, it’s alive. I realized that at this time of my life, especially the race, when I am worn down, exhausted from trying to love people and love people good that my hands and feet may not be bleeding but let’s just say they are definitely bruised, and for that, I am thankful.
More to this story later when God clearly reveals more to me… look out for the blog, not sure when it will be, in God’s timing. : )
