you can’t always get what you want, you can’t always get what you want
but if you try sometimes, you just might find…. you get what you need.
Being the last month of this 11 month journey, many of us (including myself), start developing an exhausted and a little bit lazy adittude. I mean, for the most part, we’ve been doing what everyone else wants us to do for 10 months. Even on the days we have off… we have to organize and plan with others to do the things we want, because going alone isn’t an option. And sometimes no one wants the same thing you want.
Personally, what I want generally comes last on the list anyway. Or, in other words, what I want is primarily to get everyone else what they want.
But even I’m tired. I can’t get everyone what they want. Therefore, I can’t get what I want, and I also no longer know what I want for myself anymore. I’m tired of feeling like a disappointment. Giving people what they want gets me approval and affection, and maybe adoration. I seek this from my teammates, my squadmates, my leaders, mentors, coaches, our ministry contacts, my supporters, my friends, my family…. really everyone in my entire life. I always have.
Nearly every month I have a moment of panic with our new contact. There hasn’t been one ministry partner that I have met this year that I haven’t admired, and in turn greatly desired approval from. The panic comes from trying to impress them. Trying to stand out, to out-shine my teammates, trying to do what they want me to perfectly… It’s exhausting, especially if it fails.
One of my very greatest struggles this year has been not being selected for any leadership roles within the [organization] World Race. For the first part of the year, we had alumni squad leaders (who had been on the trip before) that guided and lead our teams. As they prepared to leave us, they help select and bring up new leaders. We have 2 Squad leaders and team leaders for 4 teams. We also have 4 treasurers, and 2 logistic planners. That’s 12 leadership roles- or as I see them, postions of importance and purpose.
I’ve been in leadership roles almost my entire life. In a lot of ways it empowers me to get what I want- the oppurtunity to get others what they want- and in turn be the object of their approval, affection, adoration…. It also makes me look good from the outside. I can gain approval from my school, friends, family, community, society…. that’s what leadership is. It means your important and necessary. It means you aren’t picked last, and that you are desireable.
So… what does it mean to not be in leadership?
That has been the question that has literally been haunting me for these past 6 months. There are many answers to that question that are lies, and I still believe a lot of them.
I’ve let those lies rip me apart and tear me down. Its made me doubt so much of my past, and so many of my abilities. The house that is my life, has been built on the foundation of sinking sand that is leadership. And this year has demolished it.
I said I wanted a change, but this isn’t what I wanted. Picture a house, or town, or forest after a natural disaster. The rubble after a tornado or hurricane, a flood, a fire, an earthquake….. I feel like the people you see in the pictures, standing aside the pile that once was their house, with a face of sorrow, grief, dispair, hopelessness…
I’ve been sitting there, starring at my “house” for 6 months. In many ways I am in denial. I still can’t believe it- or don’t want to. My life change won’t start until I start rebuilding- in a new location. But I don’t want to. Instead I go around trying to help everyone else work on their houses. I deny the fact that I don’t have a place to lay my own head. But I can’t get people what they want when I have nothing. So I still don’t get what I want.
At some point this year, my team designated each of its members a character from the Winnie the Pooh gang. I got Eeyore. While many people of my past would maybe peg me as a Tigger, or Piglet, or even Kanga, Eeyore has actually been pretty accurate for me this year. I’ve been quite depressing, and I AM typically very pessimisstic. But the aspect of the character that I never even considered before was he is a donkey. Donkeys are widely known as some of the most stubborn animals to train and work with. This is the one that hit home for me very recently. How much of my situation is just due to my stubborness? The pity parties, the refusal to ask for help or allow it, the independence and survival mentality…. all keeping me right here. I’m standing outside in the rain, crying and depressed because my house is in rubble, and not willing to rebuild it somewhere else.
Silently suffering, because it IS my fault I am here- I deserve it. But the thing is, I do have the freedom and ability to change. It has to start somewhere. Prayers for courage and strength from a new foundation that is not leadership, and is not my own.
