To what extent?
How far can we go, how much can we see?
How deep can we dive, how much can we invest?
What all can we give? Will it ever be enough?
Today I was riding the bus home from our day out in Pantanal (a neighboring village of Granada), thinking about how much I want more of. We’ve only taken the bus one other time, it is more indirect and time consuming, it is less safe, it is less comfortable, etc… but I like it more.
I usually like the rougher path. I like adventure, I like new things, I would even say I enjoy risk to a certain extent. I like the raw and untouched, yes. But I like it more so because it helps me appear real, genuine, and authentic. I want people to be able to relate to me, and to trust me. Actually, I need it. I often live for it.
A week or so ago our ministry contact shared something at our morning worship session about relationships. We have our circle of friends, family, acquaintances, etc… and Christ/God/The Holy Spirit should be in the center of the circle. Often times when we struggle with relationships it is because we are trying to work our way around the circle, instead of through the center. We put people before God, we view them outside of the lenses of grace that the Holy Spirit provides. This causes suffering in relationships.
I have learned in the past, that I struggle to put God before my relationships with people. I have for most of my life. Last month I learned that part of the reason for this struggle is, I put myself in the center of the circle. I try to be the glue that helps relationships, the substance that strengthens them, the bonding factor of their existence… I forget Gods existence almost all together when it comes to my relationships.
I want to see how far I can go, how much I can see.
I want to love deeper, I want to invest more of my heart.
I want to give more, but what extent is enough?
I’ve been struggling a little bit with my team this month. They won’t let me be the center of the circle. And that frustrates me a lot, because I take that as they don’t need me. It feels like rejection, and in a way it is. It’s a rejection of a part of myself that isn’t true to what God made me to be. It’s a false self, a self that is independent of God, a self that I have relied on for a large amount of time in my life.
There are parts of that false self that are built in good things. There are gifts and God-given desires that reside inside of what has puffed up into this false self. My desire for unity and cohesion, my desire to see all perspectives, and help others be heard, my longing for relating on a hugely deep and real level, my thirst for vulnerability… BUT its hard for me to find a balance with these things. I have used them as tools for my own selfish gain for so long, that I’ve forgotten the correct way to use them. In my frustration I set down the tools and step outside of the circle all together.
