I feel like I just keep repeating myself. BUT…
The gross, uncomfortable feeling of guilt and unworthiness resurfaced today while accepting another monetary gift. I know it isn’t easy for most to accept money (gifts, grace, etc…) humbly, but I just… I don’t know. I keep just trying so hard to be worthy of these gifts, to earn and deserve them, and I just never can. I can’t just accept that, it’s not good enough for me. There has to be a way- I have to think of something, there’s always a way… I’m creative, resourceful, hard-working, I must be able to come up with something…. I always have made-do, I always have made it work- I always have pleased people and impressed them with my sincerity and thoughtfulness, I always have kept up the appearance of a person that was thought to be worthy. If there is ever a chance that I would appear unworthy I just get in this panic and guilt mode that is so frustrating and annoying.
Today when this happened, I started thinking about all the money I have spent in the past couple days, some for my trip and some not, but all mostly on things that aren’t an absolute necessity, and mostly just things for ME. And I just can’t help but think – if the people giving me these gifts knew that I wasn’t using every penny I already have for a good cause- they would see my unworthiness. They might change their minds, or regret the offering.
I think I often feel this same way in my relationship with God.
I think everyone wants to be a “hero”, but then you get to this point where you realize that you can’t be, that you are only pretending to be, or trying and majorly failing, until you decide that you “don’t want to be a hero” – because it is exhausting to be held to that expectation- whether it is by others or just yourself, someone is going to get let down…
Someone else is meant to be the “Hero”. He will be whether I “let” Him or not…
