I’m really struggling to write something tonight…. I think mainly because I want what I say to be important. To be real and honest and raw and authentic. I want it to be different from anything else you have ever read. I want you to be impressed and blown away by what God is doing in my life. I want you to say “wow, look what Kathryn is doing!” I want to you to see my struggle and see my strength over-coming it. I want to be able to brag about what God is doing in my life. To display it.
I’m out of cute poems, and emotion-filled writing. My passion and enthusiasm have been dulled. I was getting excited (passionate, emotional, determined, etc…) about God’s “Renovation Project” in me and all the possibilities of changes that could be made, improvements, the freedom to do big things. I got overwhelmed with the amount of things that were being added to the list. It started with just a leaky kitchen sink getting fixed, but while fixing that I found the pipes were corroding, floorboards were rotting, nails sticking out, shingles coming off, and since we are doing those things we could really use more space in the living room, so lets knock out a couple walls…. and it just gets bigger and grander and more and more out of my control. The material costs and labor involved just sky rocket. The project is too big to even start, it will take too long for my patience.
This “renovation” is my life. It will never be perfect or complete by my own doings. Getting all excited about what will happen or could happen doesn’t make it happen. Being afraid and overwhelmed about everything that has to happen or I think has to happen doesn’t make it happen.
If I truly want this “dream house” life, I know that it is too big a project to tackle on my own. I need a contractor that knows the costs. That knows the materials and the best methods. And regardless of how long it takes, how many mistakes and problems we run into, he will still help me get there. He knows it will take the rest of my life.
I need to let it stop being about me. “My” house, what I am going to do to it. How I am going to change it. How I am going to fix it. I can’t. The emotions involving PRIDE tells me to impress everyone with what I can do. And the ones involving FEAR know that I could fail and let everyone down.
The truth of the plan is when the contractor says “why are we talking about everyone else, lets just do it!”
