I came into the World Race with assumptions and expectations. I assumed that my team would find me to be boring. I expected that they would find life in community with me to be stagnant and draining. I thought my team would think I sucked the joy and excitement out of every conversation. That was my identity: the boring, stagnant, draining one whose poor conversational skills ruin any possibility of quality time in relationship.
I had allowed that identity to be formed by the words and actions of someone I loved. I felt so small, unimportant, resented, rejected, unloved. I also allowed it to take deeper root even after those words and actions were no longer present. It has made me feel very insecure in all my interactions with both friends and family. Additionally, when guys pursued me in the past year, it’s one thing I brought up for why we probably shouldn’t date. I stated what I had been told so many times before – that life with me might be boring, stagnant, draining, and unfulfilling. And I walked into community with my team, here on the World Race, having that same mindset.
Well, the Lord has been working on me to see my identity in Him again. One thing that He has been showing me is that I have been holding on to the hurt and woundedness, which fed the false identity I’d developed, and I made the mistake of carrying them into almost all the relationships in my life. It’s funny how I didn’t even know I was holding on to the things in my past, and I wasn’t aware of how much they shaped my identity until the Lord began pointing them out last October at training camp. As God has been revealing this to me, He has been emphasizing that I need to let go. I am more strongly aware each day of how I need to forgive.
I am re-learning how forgiveness is a huge part of stepping into our identity in Christ. I can’t really accept that God clothes me in His righteousness, tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and tells me that I am blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians 1:3). I can’t fully accept His love or adoption as His child if I’m choosing to hold onto the hurt that says I’m unimportant, boring, unlikeable, and unlovable. Nor can I fully invest in others or share the love of Jesus when I’m still nursing the wounds that say my words and actions carry no weight or significance.
And so I’m choosing to forgive, each day. I’m choosing to let go and believe that the Lord designed me for something greater than “boring, stagnant, and draining.” It’s a daily process, a moment-by-moment choice, a clinging to Scripture, taking every thought captive, when my mind wants to run away with insecurities.
So, I could definitely use some prayer on that front.
There’s this thing in professional sports called instant replay. One of my favorite pastors, Steven Furtick had a little say about it: “…when review a play on the field… In college football, they’ll send the play to an official that’s upstairs in a booth and he’ll look it over. Sometimes when he looks it over, nothing changes. The call on the field was correct, and it stands as it is. And he’ll say ‘the ruling on the field stands.’ But then other times…. Everything can seem to be going one way, and the game can seem to be over. And then they’ll say 3 words when they come on the intercom. They’ll say, ‘Upon further review, the ruling on the field is overturned.’ Upon Further Review. The ruling on the field may be that there is a deep depression hovering over your life that you’re never gonna get out of. But I believe that by coming here, you have sent your situation upstairs to an official with a vantage point that you don’t have. It seemed like your life wasn’t making a difference, but you got here and you realized you’re doing better than you think you are. You realized that God’s grace is more powerful than you thought it was. So Upon Further Review, the ruling on the field is overturned. We don’t walk by sight. We walk by faith. So what we saw on the surface isn’t the way it is in actuality.”
There may be circumstances or words we have allowed to define us and determine the value of our journey. But “Upon Further Review, the ruling on the field is overturned,” by the power of Jesus. Yay! I encourage you to remember who God made you to be. He calls you beloved and fills your life with worth and significance. Your life is meant to express His Kingdom Journey. Remember that He gave your words the power of life and death. Remember that you are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and your life is hidden in Christ with God (Col. 3:3).
