Take a quick look at your life. What are all the areas you have control over. Your shower? The cleanliness of your bathroom, in general? When you eat? What you eat? Who you spend your time with? How much time you spend with them? The places you go with them? Where you go to church? Volunteer work? How much time you spend online? How far in advance you make plans for activities?
When I came on this race, I knew a large part of the trip would involve letting go of control. And I prepared myself for that. I thought I prepared to have no control over where I go in each country or what ministry I would do there or what kind of food I would eat. I thought I was ready for the unknown of whether I would have wifi or a bed or a shower. Until this week, I was doing well with that. And then it suddenly began to make me angry. I got angry when I could see my teammate having a bad day but was unwilling to share, unwilling to let their team encourage them or walk with them through it. I got angry when I wasn’t permitted to have enough info to make an educated decision about whether or not to take malaria meds in Bolivia (I was supposed to start them 1 week prior to arrival there, but didn’t have the info till 2 days before travel). I got angry one day because plans changed and we didn’t get to go prayer walk in Santiago, and we did grounds work instead. I’m tired of mandatory meetings, mandatory worship, mandatory game night, mandatory team time. And I have found my anger growing if I think and stew too long over these things.
St. Augustine of Hippo wrote “Lord…you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”
I have been learning a different kind of resting in Him this week. I have been struggling a lot with anger. I think I grow angry because I want some semblance of order, stability, and control in a world where I feel I have almost none. What I know is that the thing I can control is my attitude and maintaining a heart that is focused on the Lord, serving Him. And so the Lord is teaching me to rest in him – to release my anger to Him. I don’t like it, and it has resulted in many moments of tears this week. But it has also resulted in moments of peace as well, as I let go of my need for control. My heart can find rest in Him.
Lord, I want to learn and grow and change to be more like you, to love like you, to live as you have called me to live. Help me to let go of my pride and my need for control. Help me to keep my heart open to everything you are teaching me. Help me to love my team and minister to them. Help me to keep the eyes of my heart focused on you.
