I need to be honest here. Although, I feel as though many of you already know what is going on. I delayed writing this blog. I put it off. I thought that maybe I could get away with it. But then I look at the empty space where my writing should have covered my third month of my race and find it empty. I find that space haunting. So, here it is.
Last month was hard. For many reasons it was frustrating. Unlike my previous two months, my month in Panama had no schedule, no specific place to stay, and no specific ministry. Instead, my team traveled the entire country of Panama looking for new ministries to partner with. As an Unsung Heroes Coordinator, I was thrilled to be given this opportunity in Panama. I was excited to tour the county, have the freedom to explore, and the chance to meet some amazing people who were working to further God’s Kingdom. I met a harsh reality when our first week in my team barely made it out of our hostel. Talk about a letdown.
I have always been a go-go-go person. I like my hands to be filled with something concrete to work on. Likewise, I feel more satisfaction when my body is in motion than sitting still. Unfortunately (yet fortunately), not everyone works the same way I do. Because of our differences, my hurried pace all of a sudden brought me to a jarring halt. I was clueless as to what was going on. I did not understand why my team members weren’t more active. So, I tried to engage them. I was beginning to feel stressed because of the weight I put on my own shoulders, so I delegated logistics and lodging out to other members of the team. While my team members supported me by following through on their assigned responsibilities, I soon became vexed as people failed to respond to the other needs that kept arising. I felt that no one took initiative with the necessary tasks that unfolded before us. These tasks were rarely ever complex, but rather annoying chores no one wanted to do. I was frustrated that no one was stepping up.
My consistent on-the-go personality is often paired with my controlling self. My teammates provided me with constructive feedback about my control issues early on in this month. I was thankful they presented the problem to me in a way that I finally understood it. I knew that I had control issues, but never quite realized how it affected others around me. It is an issue I am still working on, but I am fighting to improve in the ability to offer that control to God and my teammates. However, I was agitated this month mainly because I knew I had to work through my issues of control, but didn’t know how to when I felt my teammates weren’t going to be there to get things done. God picked a lovely month of constant travel to encourage me to trust others with planning and decisions making. Thankfully, God gave me a team that acknowledged the environment that often hindered my progress to grow in this area. Accordingly, my teammates provided me with grace. I am not proud to say that I was not always so forthcoming.
I put effort into encouraging my team to take initiative. I put effort into helping others grow. But I forgot one of the most important things. I forgot to give them grace. I made the assumption that they needed to grow in certain areas, and I expected them to. Even if I feel my feedback should be implemented into their lives, it is their choice to make. As such, I cannot and should not have any expectations as to what that looks like. Moreover, growth does not occur in a one spur of the moment instance. Having the expectation that you will see visible changes in people not only inflicts suffering on yourself, but also unfairly damages your image of them, which they by no means deserve. Instead of supporting my team by providing them the grace God shows each one of us every day, I became frustrated with both my actions and theirs.
This process is by no means easy. It takes work, and it takes practice. I cannot always expect to understand the given situation, but I can learn to accept it by providing grace to those around me. If I had extended grace to those around me earlier, I would have found more joy in this month rather than fighting off feelings of frustration and annoyance. Please learn from my mistakes, choose grace first and foremost in any and every situation. By choosing grace, not only am I better supporting the people around me but, on some level, I am choosing happiness, which allows me to continue further down the path God is leading me on.
Coming Soon: Thailand! Blogs about how awesome everything is in this country, minus the squatty potties.
