After 46+ hours of travel, we made it to Bangkok, Thailand! The excitement of arriving and the possibilities ahead overshadowed my tiredness and homesickness. We got to sit on the roof with the cool night breeze and look out over Bangkok- children were playing street soccer and volleyball behind the school and cars casually passed on the road. There was noise, but it was not noisy. I felt calm, at peace. Nervous anticipation coupled with excitement and peace added with a little bit of homesickness, exhaustion, and fear of the unknown had been a part of my roller coaster of emotions I like to call “culture shock and transition”. But on that roof, in the Bangkok night, I felt peace.
And then I woke up the next morning.
In that strange half-awake and half-asleep state of consciousness, homesickness hit me hard and fear overwhelmed me. A pit formed in my stomach and I wanted to vomit and cry and just go back to sleep so I wouldn’t feel any of it. Had I signed up for the right thing? With the right organization? What if I could make more of a difference in America at school and I don’t do enough good while I’m here? What if I don’t grow closer to the Lord? And we have free time and can roam around? Would I fill it the right way? Oh no, that stresses me out. And so my thoughts spiraled on. Worries created this sense of dread like a black hole that physically hurt and consumed my mind and emotions.
It was the worst and I just wanted to stop feeling that way. Plus it was one of those days when everything, by appearance, went wrong, ya know? Those days when you ride an emotional roller coaster and your favorite dress rips in the rain and no one can get wifi when you just want to call home. Those days when you can hardly keep your eyes open and you get irritated with the people you’re supposed to love and you feel as though you’re walking in the flesh, which causes you to be harsh on yourself. Those days when you cry more than you want to and doubts creep into your mind about the decision you’ve made, so you feel as though trapped, with a negative attitude and a hurting heart, and you just want to escape.
But it was also one of those days where there was so much more.
It one of those days when my teammate Laurie read me a chapter of a book called Faith is Not a Feeling, and reminded me that I am not perfect, that I am not expected to be, and I can live from the approval of God instead of exhausting myself trying to earn His approval. I will not do the World Race or life perfectly, that’s why Jesus came. I’ve received grace upon grace and can rest in that!
It was one of those days I walked around Bangkok with a few people and enjoyed getting to be a tourist, laughing at our reactions to whole pig heads hanging in meat markets and taking in the beautiful colors and fresh scents of a flower booth, with new thai pants in hand- my favorite purchase so far!
It was one of those days when we walked in a torrential downpour to the night food market and struggled hardcore to order this food I forgot the name of, and a nice man with broken English helped me order some spicy thai food and I have no idea what it was. It was a day I was reminded to be lighthearted, to laugh, and to enjoy what gets thrown my way.
It was one of those days where late at night I sewed my dress with fingers crossed my poor stitching would last as my squad-mate, Bri played a game. A night where worship music calmed our weary hearts, and she poured over me with Truth, advice and prayer. It was a night I accepted I was weak and then experienced the love of Christ through the body in beautiful and sweet ways.
It was one of those days where listening to the YWAM staff encouraged and motivated me in my faith, where I enjoyed talking to a translator in the daycare as Hannah joyfully rocked a baby and proceeded to, with enthusiasm in her facial expressions and delight in her voice, read a story and teach English to some of the kids. It was a day I was reminded why I’m here.
It was one of those days where my teammates overwhelmed me with love and patience as I transitioned and acted in my flesh, not feeling like me at all. It was a day where I stopped focusing on myself and all the reasons I couldn’t do this and focused instead on all of the reasons God could.
It was one of those days I poured out what I did not believe I had left to offer (energy, service, love, time, patience, et.c) to realize that Christ in me has more than enough to go around.
It was one of those days when I reminded myself of eternity, of my home in Heaven and the fact that I WILL see my God face to face and enjoy Him forever; when the thoughts of light and joy and getting to share the Jesus I know overcame the emotions of the day.
It was one of those days God sweetly reminded me that He knows, He hears, and He is enough for me.It was a night where a Facetime call finally went through and my mom shared truth with me and reminded me to give myself time to transition, to let myself feel it all and then bring it to the feet of my Father who cares instead of trying to act like I had to have it all together. It was a night where in a short call to my parents, I believe God renewed my spirit and gave me an excitement again for what’s to come and for following Him here!!
It was one of those days where I saw two options for the Race– I can live in the negative, the hard and the hurt, and of my own ability- giving in to fears and doubts and feeling pressure to preform for God, and condemning myself for when performance doesn’t mean the standard I’ve set.
Or I can choose to live in the light, in the truth, and in the joy of my salvation. I can choose to believe God is who He says He is, and the only standard I need to meet Jesus Christ already met for me. I can choose to live out love and pour out myself joyfully because God will fill me back up. I can laugh in the crazy things that happen and learn from people and serve those around me and be the Katherine God designed me to be, that person from whom I derive delight in being.
When I focus on the truth, all the troubles fade away, and Jesus shines brighter. And so, I choose Jesus. I choose to live in the light and to soak up the abundant life God has for me. I choose to set my mind on eternity and enjoy this life and AMAZING opportunity He has given me!!
It has not been easy, but God is my rock and my redeemer, my joy, strength, comfort, friend, hope, peace, delight, lover, and so much more. As I type, a smile spreads wide across my face, and I am SO excited to do this and to live out this choice that changes everything. I feel renewed and praise God for the all He has done the past day and all that He will do and for the hope that only comes through Him.
To God alone be the glory and praise!
