Do you ever simultaneously feel like you need a hug but also don’t want anybody to come within three feet of you? Or like you don’t want to be alone, but you also don’t want to be around anybody? I feel that way every so often. I work in a service industry job and I literally serve people all day, answer questions, smile, compliment people’s outfits, coo over babies, wipe tables, re-set them, repeat. I really do love it. But at the end of the day I get that weird “I need something but I don’t know what!” feeling. I go through the list of things I might want like a snack, a bike ride, or do to some chores… but a lot of the times I sit on my phone and scroll through Instagram and compare myself to others. I’ve been really tired recently.
Two Sundays ago I went to church and sat in the back by myself during the worship. I usually love to stand and sing and praise, but this Sunday was more of a low-key service so I stayed seated and closed my eyes. Tears ran down my eyes as the music washed over me and I felt a sense of relief. I envisioned myself falling into the arms of my father, my Creator, Jesus. The kind of falling into someone’s arms that you do when you’ve been traveling a long way, you’re tired, thirsty and you just want to exhale into familiarity. Home. It hit me that I’ve been carrying a lot these days.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
This past Sunday I went to church again. I’d been having terrible headaches for the past two days and I woke up 10 minutes before the service started. (Thankfully I’ve mastered getting ready for anything in 7 minutes since I was about 9 years old waking up late for the bus.. it all works out). The guest pastor spoke about how God is our protector and our advocate. Always working for us and always protecting us. At one point I closed my eyes and I had a similar vision as last time, but this time I saw myself running towards (ahhh so awkward) a guy that I have had a crush on for a long time and God stepping in front of me and embracing me. Just like a child running for a wall outlet or a red hot burner, or less dangerous even… her birthday cake before all of the guests arrive for the party, and her father scooping her up in his arms and showing her something even more awesome. (I know what’s more awesome than birthday cake!?! but what if he was showing her her new pet pony??) I had a revelation that I’ve been really looking for love my own way. Striving for something outside of Home.
“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.” John 15:9-10
This is kind of (totally) where I am right now. Still running, still tired, still carrying burdens. I’m 100% that God will prepare me financially, spiritually, and emotionally for the World Race in January. He’s reminding me, in the most gentle way, that he wants to do the hard work (like Dad’s do!) and he wants me to focus on loving, not worrying, being kind to me and to others. When I get that need a hug but I can’t stand anyone feeling, that’s when he’s calling me to spend time with him in prayer, meditation, journaling, cloud gazing, etc. He wants to know me, scratch that, he wants me to know him. And I want that too.
I had an amazing encounter with a girl I was serving this week at work. I was tired and feeling tense and out of sorts. We started talking (because I was wearing a necklace that has Africa on it) and she told me she was living in Germany doing Missions. We talked about the World race and she shared some really encouraging things about how her choice to serve overseas has not only blessed her, but blessed her family. She said “God is faithful”. Before she left she asked to pray for me. So I sat down at their table while we held hands and she spoke beautiful, powerful, affirming words over me. That I am a woman who hears God’s voice. I am a woman who walks forward in Faith. I am a woman who God delights in. I am a woman who is loved. I’m thankful for her boldness and her willingless to let Jesus shine through her.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY! I hope you are all having a great week.
You are so loved. So worth a break. So worth an exhale into your Father’s arms. So worth it. SO worth it.
