When I was in Central America, I purchased a bracelet and had the word “Cambio” (Spanish for change) inscribed upon it. I was challenged to write a word that encompassed what the Lord was teaching me during the time I was there. If you asked me exactly what change was taking place, I could not have articulated it other than my gradual spiritual growth, or the physical transition that was expected at the end of every month when we packed up our packs and moved to a new country.
I’ve never been one to embrace change. In fact, I’ve done everything to resist it on occasion. I have been praying for growth through change since I’ve begun this mission, for growth itself is change, and as it was so eloquently stated at debrief, I came on the race because on some level, even subconsciously, I desired transformation of self. In Central America though, there wasn’t any change which “rocked my boat.” In hindsight, I believe the word written on my arm was prophetic for such a time as this, and the Holy Spirit was encouraging my heart for what was to come.
This past week I have been barraged with changes and transitions that would have left me shaken at the least in previous years.
Firstly, my transition out of Romania was the most difficult yet on the race. Romania captured my heart. I felt a familial love there from my brothers and sisters in Pitesti that left me longing to remain and desiring to return. I knew I had the buffer of debrief (a time to reflect on the past two months and gain insight through teaching and fellowship as a squad) to mourn the departure of the relationships that had been established there, but I also knew that another loss awaited me at the end of debrief.
The race doesn’t just send us out to the field without guidance and experienced leadership. They appoint squad leaders to accompany us for four months on the field. These are individuals who have already completed their own race, and are lead to return and shepherd new racers at the beginning of their journey. Our three squad leaders, Mac, Caitlin, and Hope were nothing less than amazing. Each of them poured copious amounts of wisdom and life into me, but Hope quickly became a kindred spirit and a beautiful sister whom I shall always cherish. The end of this debrief was our alumni squad leaders transition out of leadership, meaning I had to say goodbye to Hope until they all see us again at our month eight debrief.
Hope, Mac, and Caitlin.
Me and Hope.
I was able to emotionally prepare to say farewell to her as I knew the day was approaching since the beginning of the race. However, there was a good bye I had to confront at debrief that was in every way unexpected. One of the women I’ve grown closest to during the race had to go home to have emergency surgery on her hand after she smashed it while we were in Honduras. I found out during debrief that she would not be returning to the field with our squad.
(Photo by Robin Quinn Brooks: Hayden and me)
I was incredibly sad to say “see you later” to all of these relationships because, yes, I am selfish and I appreciate having them all in my life, but I am also at peace amidst the tempest of change swelling around me. Perhaps it is because the Lord’s was preparing me for this week three months in advance. Or perhaps it is because He’s taught me that I cannot have desired growth without change, in fact, it’s impossible! But I think the main reason is even deeper than my growth in accepting change.
Christ has been calling me into deeper intimacy with His Spirit. Not that I was far out of relationship and now I am closer, but that He’s giving me more insight and understanding as to the constancy of His character. One of my favourite teachers once taught about how unchangeable God is, and that promise is something in which I have found immense peace and strength when I face trials of uncomfortable change. Hebrews 6:17-19 says, “So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the UNCHANGEABLE character of his purpose, He guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two UNCHANGEABLE things, in which is it impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a SURE and STEADFAST ANCHOR of the soul…”
The promises of God’s unchangeable nature or His steadfast faithfulness do not end there. He declares over my life time and time again that He has never left me, nor never will forsake me, His beloved daughter. Because of this promise, I am finding that I’m no longer fleeing for refuge when things which are comfortable and familiar to me are taken away here on earth. The ONLY thing that I need to remain constant in my life is Christ, and there is no question that He is anchoring me and preserving me in peace during the storms I am weathering. When I fix my gaze upon Him instead of my present circumstances, all I find is that the waves of uncertainty subside, and the fierce winds of change cease in light of His glorious presence.
My hope in Christ is the only steady rock upon which I stand.
