I blinked and all of the sudden we were back in the United States. Saturday morning came way too quickly during our trip. Saturday was a dark cloud hanging over my head the entire time we were there. I was trying so desperately to live in the moment while we were there all week, but by Wednesday afternoon I knew that they were going to have to force me onto the plane on Saturday. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t think I could leave. It wasn’t because I thought the work that I was doing there was so important for Haiti. It wasn’t because I thought that Haiti needed me… it was because I needed Haiti.
For the first time in my life this week, I realized that there is a HUGE difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is fleeting. It’s temporary and it can be gone in an instant- taken away by anything that life throws at you. But JOY is different. It’s overwhelming. It’s all-consuming. It can’t be taken away because it is a gift from our Heavenly Father. It can’t be overcome by life’s simple trials. Nothing gets in the way of joy. And this week, for the first time in my entire life, I experienced pure JOY.
We saw it everywhere- in the children, our hosts, our translators, our 410 bridge Haitian staff members, the Oban leadership council and in almost every single person we came in contact with. The beautiful thing about joy is that it’s contagious. All of the sudden, it had overcome our team too. No words will ever be enough to describe this trip. No blog post could ever explain how huge God is and how incredibly powerful He was for us during every moment of our trip. No picture could ever do this gorgeous country justice.
I was terrified going into this trip. I knew that everyone thought of it as my “warm up” for the World Race, and quite frankly that scared me more than anything in the world. It was my first ever mission trip. What if I hated every second of being there? What if I was miserable? What if I missed home too much that I couldn’t focus on the work we were trying to do? What if I got to Haiti and realized that I was not cut out for mission work? What if I had no desire to ever travel to another developing country ever again? What if all the people who donated to my trip just wasted their money? Those thoughts rocked my world leading up to the trip. Even on the plane I had a really hard time being excited about landing in Haiti because the enemy was attacking me, and he was attacking me hard. My first mistake… I didn’t tell anyone. I put on a happy, excited face and did the only thing I knew how to do- sucked it up.
We landed in Port au Prince and all of the sudden it was real. The culture shock sank in, but the first thing I noticed was that all of my fears were gone. They had completely disappeared, taken away entirely by my Heavenly Father. I knew I was at home. I knew that I was ready and I knew that God was going to use me and my team to be a vessel for His Kingdom.
One thing we were told leading up to the trip was to always remember that “God is the God of Haiti too”. I had a really hard time wrapping my mind around that idea. I didn’t really understand what it meant until we moved throughout the week. These people LOVE God. For some people, He is all they have. He is their only hope, their only focus, their only priority. It made me realize quickly, that I wish I could say the same thing for myself and my relationship with Christ. Most of the people we came in contact with were not plagued with worldly distractions to lead them away from their faith. They didn’t have anything or anyone else to rely on when they were hurting, hungry or sick. They had God, and He was more than enough for them.
I want to make Him more than enough for me. I want Him to be not just a priority in my life, but THE priority in my life. I want to be overcome by His love on a daily basis and for Him to use me to spread His truth throughout nations. No matter where that leads me and no matter where He asks me to go, I want my answer to always be yes. I want my life to point people to Him on a daily basis through the way that I love others. I want Him to be the center of my entire existence and the reason that I live. I want people to know without a doubt that Jesus is the only reason that I am here today, and that he is all I will ever need. I want to live and love the way that the people of Haiti taught me and modeled for me.
There was a point in my trip where doubt and fear overcame my entire body. On Wednesday afternoon, I experienced spiritual warfare more than I ever have before in my entire life. I was angry at God. I was thinking about having to leave Haiti on Saturday and I was so mad at Him. I did not understand how in the world He was going to put my heart through this 11 more times on the World Race. How in the world was I going to fall in love with 11 more communities and 11 more countries, hundreds more children and people that I will meet, and then have to leave and move on. I was experiencing true heartbreak for the first time in my life and I could not control it. My heart had never hurt so badly. My chest had never felt so tight. I was crying so hard that at one point I could not catch my breath. I finally understood for the first time why missionaries go on a trip to a country and all of the sudden pack up their entire lives and move there. My team circled me in prayer and spoke life into my desperately breaking heart, and God finally started healing the scar that had just ripped wide open.
Truth be told, I still was not happy about leaving Haiti because I knew that I was leaving a tremendous piece of my heart there, but I did it. I got on that plane and I came back. But the best part is, I will be going back. I don’t know how and I have no idea when, but I will be back in Haiti and I am resting in the fact that God has gently told me that it will be sooner than I think.
My heart still longs to be back in Haiti, but the one thing I do know is that I am ready for the World Race. I am ready for October to be here. I wholeheartedly know that this is what God called me to do. I could go on for hours about the way that He revealed that to me while I was in Haiti, but I will spare you guys the details.
Here is the beautiful part- I get to do this 11 more times. I get to fall in love with 11 more countries. I get to experience firsthand the way God is moving throughout His nations 11 more times. I get to leave pieces of my heart in 11 more countries with countless different people. I get to work hand in hand with 11 different, incredible organizations throughout 11 different countries and assist them in the way that they are changing lives throughout their communities. I get to watch people across 11 different countries accept Christ as their Lord and Savior the way that I have. I get to meet numerous brothers and sisters in Christ and hear their testimony’s and the way God has radically changed their life in 11 different countries. I get to attempt to learn 11 different languages and experience culture shock 11 different times. I get to do prayer walks, home visits, and Vacation Bible School in 11 different countries. I get to experience pure joy in 11 different countries. And I get to watch over the next year and a half as God changes not only my heart completely, but also the hearts of my teammates like I got to experience this week. One of my gorgeous teammates, Hannah Williamson, was baptized this week and I couldn’t be happier to watch her surrender her life completely to Christ.
God is SO good. He is so powerful. He is changing lives all across His nations, and I cannot wait to be even the smallest part of it.
