You’re not alone. You’re not alone. You’re not alone.
Those are the words I have had to keep repeating to myself over and over again all week. If you asked me three years ago what my biggest fear was, I would have told you that it’s the fear of being alone. I thought I had overcome that fear, but if you ask me today what my biggest fear is, I would give you the exact same answer. Being alone terrifies me. Abandonment is not a reality that I ever want to face. This week God made it clear to me that I haven’t overcome that fear yet.
I like to be strong. I like to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would rather carry everyone else’s baggage than face my own. The problem with that is eventually I take on so much of other people’s baggage that it gets too heavy. I can’t carry it all anymore and eventually I break under the weight. That’s what happened Monday for me. The good news is that God used it to comfort me, wrap His arms around me and remind me that I am never alone.
My sweet boyfriend was the unfortunate one to be there when it happened, but in His timing God used his presence in that moment to speak right to my heart without him even realizing it. I came back from small group that night and Charlie started asking me questions that he knew were going to force me to open up. He could probably see it written all over my face that I had cried on the way home from group. In my stubbornness I kept repeating that I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to bring him my problems and fears because I didn’t want him to feel obligated to carry them with me. He kept gently asking and nudging me, and finally I broke down crying, spilling everything. My daily struggle with a sense of belonging. My constant fears about the World Race. My heart’s desire to help more, love more, and be better but feeling incapable at some points. I try not to show emotions but when I start crying- there’s no stopping the tears. Boyfriend mode kicked in and he just held me and let me cry. I kept apologizing to him for breaking down and all he kept telling me was that he wanted me to talk to him about this stuff.
That was the point when God gently reminded me of the relationship I was supposed to be having with Him too- my Prince, my Comforter, my Savior. The way Charlie wanted to know why I was upset, God does too. The way Charlie kept asking me to help carry my burdens, God does too. The way Charlie just held me while I cried and cried, God wants to do that too. It was like He was speaking right to my heart:
You’re not alone Katarina. You don’t have to carry your burdens by yourself anymore and you haven’t had to since the day that you placed your faith in me- you just keep choosing to. Draw near to Me. I’m waiting with outstretched arms. Do you see the way you are being held right now? I want to do that for you every day… every single moment of every day. I have walked with you through every step, every fear, and every heartache. Even in those moments where you didn’t notice or couldn’t feel my presence…. I was there.
I learned this week that it’s okay to just be held sometimes. It’s okay to not be strong enough. It’s okay to realize that you don’t have it all together. It’s okay to be afraid. That’s what God is there for. My emotions get the best of me. My fear is overwhelming at times. My past comes back to haunt me when I least expect it. It’s okay to show weakness because I am human.
What’s not okay is to try and walk through this crazy, scary, messy life alone. God has placed an incredible support system in my life. My community could not be more uplifting. They bring so much joy to my life and have helped me overcome some of the toughest obstacles that I have faced in my healing.
But what about those moments when I am sitting in bed by myself completely overwhelmed with my emotions? Those moments when the fear of being alone is more prevalent than ever. Those moments where I clearly remember the night of November 8th, 2014 and the desperation I had to end my life because I had convinced myself that I was completely alone. I would be lying if I said those moments didn’t still happen. I still have fear- that’s what makes me human. What’s different now is that I have placed my trust wholeheartedly in my Heavenly Father. I know that He was there in all of those moments and He always will be. I don’t have to fight this fight alone anymore. He rescued me from the darkness that I was in and He has given me the strength that I need to never fall back into the pit that I was in. His comforting arms are waiting for me to fall into on a daily basis and simply let myself be held. I just needed that reminder this week and maybe you do too. He gave it to me when I least expected it. Right when I thought my weakness had overtaken me, He pulled me closer.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” 2 Cor. 12:9
His power will be made perfect in your weakness, just let yourself be held.
