Look into my eyes when I talk about the World Race and I promise you that you won’t see fear. Look into the depths of my heart and fear is written all over it. The truth of the matter is… I am absolutely terrified; a nervous wreck with a doubting and constantly questioning mind.
I keep searching for answers:
- Where in the world is the money going to come from?
- How will I afford all the gear I will need once I do finish raising the money?
- Am I absolutely crazy for attempting to fundraise for two different mission trips at the same time?
- Where will I put all my stuff for 11 months?
- Did I misread God’s calling for my life; is this really what He wants me to do?
- How can I possibly leave my friends and family for 11 months?
- How will I handle missing all the birthdays, holidays, births, deaths, and all the other big moments that make up life?
- Am I ready for this?
- …and the biggest question of all: why me?
On the outside I have probably appeared excited, calm and confident when I talk about the journey that I am starting, but on the inside I have been a nervous, broken and fearful wreck desperately searching for answers. I want to choose the easy route and run away at times. I want to throw my hands in the air and give up. It would be much more simple for me to walk away from this opportunity right now than to keep fighting the good fight for God’s Kingdom.
These questions and doubts in my mind keep coming up and the enemy is using them to attack me from all angles. And when he attacks, he attacks hard. The good news is that God is bigger than the enemy. He is stronger than the enemy. And He is giving me the tools that I need to fight back. And earlier this week, He gave me a tool when I least expected it.
I know that God speaks to different people in many different ways, but the one way that He always reaches me and touches my heart is through songs. But it’s always when I least expect it. It’s always in those moments where I don’t think I am going to get the answers that I am searching for and He shows up in His more than perfect timing. I heard an acoustic version of this song weeks ago at church and I had tears rolling down my face the entire time. After that Sunday, I kept trying to find the song by searching the few lyrics that I had remembered to jot down after I left church. I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I gave up. Defeated and quite frankly a little sad, I secretly kept hoping that I would hear it again but I never did. Until this past Sunday when it was released on YouTube and it has been on repeat every single day since.
Deep in my heart I am prone to wander. Running to anything to heal my pain. Whose are the hands that catch me when I stumble. It’s only you.
5 years of wandering and running. Running might even be a little bit of an understatement. Sprinting would probably be the better word to describe what I did when I was chasing after the ways of this world. Alcohol, drugs, relationships, money, parties, jobs… you name it. I tried to use it to fill the gaping hole in my heart. But when I reached my breaking point and had run as fast and as far as I could away from God, He was there to catch me. The day that everything of this world that I had held on to for so long left me wanting nothing more than to end my life, God was there to catch me. He wasn’t there to discipline me and punish me for all the wrong I had done. He wasn’t there to scold me for all the times I had royally screwed up. He wasn’t there to teach me a lesson or to remind me of all the people I had hurt along the way. He was there with arms wide open, just waiting to catch me.
Only you call this outcast your child. Only you use my scars for your story, My life for your glory. I am only, I am only yours.
Right there- those words. Those words put my heart to rest. Those words brought everything back into focus for me. Those words reminded me of what it was like to stand in complete awe of my Heavenly Father. Those words brought me to my knees on my bedroom floor in adoration of my King. Those words helped me realize the answer to all of those questions from earlier:
I don’t need to know all the answers, and I probably never will. But I can find comfort in the fact that God is holding me in His mighty hands. He is using my scars, as deep and dark as they might be, for His story. He is taking a broken, messy life and using it for His glory. I am only His. That is why I am going on the World Race. That is why the enemy will not be able to use my past against me anymore. God is using my scars, my failures, my mistakes, and even my shame-filled past for His glory and to write His story. I am proud to be a daughter of the King and a part of His story. No matter where He takes me, my answer will always be yes. No matter how scared I am in this moment, I will always go wherever He leads me.
There is nothing more I need, knowing you are here with me. I am yours forever, forever yours.
And I know I’m not alone, there’s a place where I belong. I am yours forever, forever yours.
If you wanted to see the depths of my heart, there it is. If you wanted to know how terrified I actually am, those words are it. But I have a Father who is bigger than all of my doubts, fears and failures. He is bigger than my past. He is bigger than my insecurities. I don’t have to be afraid anymore, and I hope that when you read this post and hear that song, you can realize that you don’t have to be afraid anymore either. No matter what mountain you are up against or whatever giant you are facing, God is bigger than all of those things and you are forever His.
