Have you ever had God tell you to do something that you didn’t really want to do? And so you skirted around the edges, avoided it at all possible costs, made up excuses, procrastinated, drug your feet… all of the above and more? — This blog has been that for me. God told me 4 months ago back in Nepal to write this blog, and I have effectively avoided it for a long time. But like all good things, God only lets you ignore it for so long, and eventually you have to give in and be obedient.. So here we are.. I’m writing the blog.
You see, this blog is about trust and fund raising (the dreaded, nasty “F” word). Two very intertwined topics in my life that I just LOVE to avoid at all costs. The problem is, it takes a surprising amount of trust to effectively fund raise. And as a person who struggles deeply with trusting not only people but God as well, fund raising has become quite the process.
Here’s the problem..
-I don’t trust that God will choose to provide what I need to meet my deadlines
-I don’t trust myself to be worthy enough for people to want to support me.
-I don’t trust people to find what God has called me to do “legitimate” enough to support.
-I don’t trust that needing personal money on top of my fund raising deadlines is a legitimate need.
-I don’t trust people to keep the word when they say that they will support me.
-I don’t trust my supporters to not be offended when I say that I have not met my deadline and I need new supporters as well.
-Frankly, I don’t trust any thing or any being very well…
Over the past 4 months, I have been battling with God over this issue of trust and funding. I’d love to say that I have fought the battle and won, and I now trust anybody and everybody, but I can’t. I have been forbidden by a dear sweet friend on the Race to allow the words “I don’t trust God” to ever come out of my lips again.. Does it count if I type them out?
Another dear friend said that the key to success in learning trust is to take it one day at a time. Today I trust God … tomorrow I may choose to not trust, but for today I choose to trust. And when tomorrow comes, it is then once again today, and I must choose to trust God today.. tomorrow I can allow myself to not trust, but today I must trust.. This advice is a new concept to me, so we will see how it goes. In the meantime.. for this day, and this hour, and this minute while I type this blog, I am making myself believe that I can trust him.. if only for today.
As for trusting other people, and putting my financial situation into their hands.. well.. that creates whole new problems. But one thing I do know is that if my trust is ONLY in people, that they will always let me down. There will always be the supporters who decide to stop supporting. There will always be the potential supporters that decide that my calling is not legitimate enough, and choose not to support me. There will always be people who are disappointed in what I am doing and not agree with what Papa has called me to do. In fact, I am promised to face trouble and opposition (John 16:1-4, 33). So if I am fully reliant on other people to fulfill my needs and desires, I am setting myself up for failure. It is only when I trust God fully and completely to meet those needs do I realize and remember that God has the capability of not just using those few people who oppose me. If Papa wants to provide for me, he is not 100% reliant on a single human being that may choose to ignore his promptings and choose to not support me. If someone chooses to not support me, he will place it on someone else’s heart.. and someone else, and someone else… until the need is met.
Of course… all of this is easy to know mentally.. I am still working on applying them spiritually in my heart and soul. That may take me a little longer.
But for today, I am going to choose to Trust that he will come through. I trust that I will be fully funded. I trust that I will not have to accrue more debt for personal expenses. I trust that God is laying it on people’s hearts to support me, and providing them the funds they need to do so. I trust that the God who owns the cattle on 1,000 hills can provide $8,500 in 1 month.
Today: I choose Trust.
