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What a year..

This is not at all what I thought it would be. I didn’t realize how many expectations I had until I got here and had them crash and burn. ha.. Sorry I know that’s not very comforting, but it’s so true. Living in ministry everyday is a blessing and has many wonderful things about it, but there are times that I find myself craving my bed, my space, my favorite mexican restaurant, and my friends and family at home. Everyday is a choice. We get the choice to be a blessing, to be blessed, to have joy, to love the person who is grabbing you on the street and asking for money. Everything we go through presents another opportunity to make choices.

This is all over the place and I’m sorry about that, but God is doing so many things and I really can’t put it all in a pretty little box with a bow on top because it’s messy. I am messy; maybe not physically (well, sometimes I am messy physically)but I am talking about BROKEN!  This month, I am broken. Actually this year I am broken and come to find out, I have been broken all my life! Go figure! I have just tried to have it all together. I guess that’s pride huh?

Well, I am sick of trying to be perfect, trying to be strong and hold myself together. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I am broken and that is okay. Actually, we are all broken. God even says that He wants us to be broken. How do we know we need God if we always have everything together in our lives. I forget all the time how much I need Him and then I fall down and cry out to Him and realize that if I had cried out two weeks ago, He would have picked me up and I would have been saved from tons of heartache. So, I am rambling. Basically, this month has been rough. I am exhausted and empty.

What do I do?

Well, what I did do is go to my team and cry to them about how much I hurt inside because I don’t know who I am anymore which is freakin’ scary and I really don’t understand who God is most of the time because He is so big and there is so much about Him that I really don’t get. I have been dipping into my own resources and thinking I can work out of my own strength and all it has gotten me is a bunch of pain, frustration and heartache.

This all makes it sound like I am miserable, but that is definitely NOT the case. I am just broken in the best sense of the word. God is reshaping and remolding me to make me who He wants me to be. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter if I know who I am anymore, because I still belong to Jesus, He is still God and He still has everything under control. So, the moral to this blog is stop trusting in yourself and your own strength. It will get you no where. I only say this from my own experience. I am so sick and tired of doing it on my own. It benefits me nothing, but God holds the entire world in His hands. He can do anything and we are on this earth to bring Him glory. I am here to give Him to people, and though I am human and can get tired, He never gets tired. He has strength for those who have nothing left to give of themselves.