As you may have heard, or read on my Facebook page, I have been sick since we arrived in Rwanda. Thankfully, the fever stopped after 5 days and I am just about to finish the antibiotics for the bacteria infection in my blood. Outside of an extreme lack of energy I am feeling so much better. I love that I have been able to rejoin my team for ministry. But part of the healing process requires me to return to the hospital everyday to get the wound cleaned and redressed. It is not a fun process. In fact it is the most horrible part of my day. It is painful, more pain than I have felt maybe ever. One day last week, only my 3rd or 4th time to come back, I had a male nurse in the ER redressing the wound. The whole time he was cleaning it, and I was crying out in pain, he kept telling me to be strong. By the 4th time he said it I was ready to hit him and tell him to try and be strong if he was in as much pain as I was. But I didn't, I just laid there silently praying for God to give me the strength to finish the cleaning. I often find myself apologizing to the staff I encounter because I feel bad that they have to watch me in pain. I also apologize to whichever teammate of mine comes with me as well. I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable, and having to watch me get this wound cleaned is an uncomfortable situation.
So while this man is telling me to be strong I just hear God telling me it ok to be weak. God was telling me he wants to be my strength. I was glad he was talking to me. It made me feel less bad for the situation I found myself in. I felt like I had to be strong for those around me, so they didn't feel bad for the situation I was in. I felt that I had to be strong for me, so maybe I could get better faster. But as the nurse kept saying those words over and over I didn't not feel strong at all. I felt weak. But in that moment that is exactly where God wanted me. He wanted me laying on that table, crying out in pain, knowing I had no one else who could comfort me but him. In my weakness he was strong.
And that is how it is, not only when I am laying on a table in the hospital, but in life. He doesn't need me to be strong, he will be my strength in my weakness.
