I love Christmas.
I always have, but I really do now.
My heart turns to mush at Christmas. I rarely am a cryer, but I bawl my eyes out everytime I hear the Christmas story. The thought of Mary's first moments with her precious son who would save her soul is too much for my tear ducts to contain, and they spontaneously burst and my eyes flood if I think about it for too long. I love peppermint, gingerbread, and all other holiday flavors (especially in relation to Starbucks coffee). I work in the mall in my town and luckily, I stand at the kiosk right next to Santa Claus. Watching him enthusiastically greet each child with tenderness makes my heart so joyful. I love Christmas trees, Christmas lights, and Hallmark Christmas movies. I listen to my Amy Grant and N*SYNC Christmas albums on repeat. So, needless to say, I truly am a passionate Christmas celebrater.
This Christmas, however, everything is different. I'm not so preoccupied with gift wrapping and wish list writing. Everything on my wish list is really more of a need list, since I'll be spending a year living out of a backpack. I never in a thousand years thought that 'wool socks' would be at the top of this list. (The man at the outdoor store said that on the journey I will be going on, wool socks are a must. I'm still very skeptical of this.) But I know this Christmas will be the last Christmas I spend as the person I am now. Next Christmas I will be in Mozambique, and the Christmas after that, I will be who knows where. I'm keenly aware of the fact that I will never be the same after the World Race.
Last year, I wanted to go on a mission trip to India. My school was taking a group of us to work with missionaries David and Beth Grant (my heroes) to their organization Project Rescue in India. There, we would be working with women still involved in the sex trade. I wanted to go, but felt like God said no. I didn't understand. How could a missions trip be out of God's will? As I began to question, I felt God say, "How can I send you to love on people in India when you aren't loving on the people I've placed around you now?" As I looked around at my life, I realized God was right. He usually is, you know. I was not really loving people. I was nice to people, but I wasn't loving them.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed since that day and God has changed my heart. He is teaching me day by day to love His children with a love only He can give. I used to always think missionaries were so perfect, like it was a prerequisite or something. Now I am one (or will be one), and I see that this is not the case. In fact, I think that God uses people who can't do anything well without Him. And that is most definitely me. I can not do anything without him. I am really bad at being selfless. And I'm equally bad at loving people the way they were designed to be loved. But God is great at both of those things. And He asked me to do those things because He knows I can't do them without Him. May I note that in the route God has called me to, we will be going to India? 🙂
Truthfully, I've been discouaged lately. Satan is a pretty rude guy and he has been saying things to me like, "You have no support." And "No one cares." But even if he is right, and I don't have any support, and no one does care (both lies, but just for the sake of argument), then I still have God. And God does not care how much is in my support account, he is still God. He is the one who holds all the financial, emotional, and spiritual support in the palm of His hand, and I know He is my provider. This process has already made me grow exponentially. And I can not wait to see where it takes me next.
If this is where I am this Christmas,
I can't imagine where I will be next Christmas.
Or the Christmas after.
Cheers,
Karah
