These last few weeks have been stressful. Between starting to fundraise, seeing the BIG gap between how much I need to raise and how much is in my bank account, trying to find a job and not finding a job, studying for tests and not doing so great, realizing that I need to do great in order to graduate, and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am going to be gone for a year, I have been a complete mess.
I have wanted to cry so many times! I have literally sat in my car with my head on the stearing wheel willing tears to come. But they never did.
I don't cry.
Those ASPCA commercials do nothing but get me annoyed because I have "Arms of an Angel" stuck in my head for the next hour.
When I fell climbing a mountian and hit my chin on a rock, eventually leading to stiches, not a tear was shed.
Marley & Me, The Notebook, P.S I Love You, are all great movies, but they can't crack the vaults that are my tear ducks.
I think I cried all my tears out in high school. It was a rough time, I spent more time crying than I did talking I think. But I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried in the last 4 years. If you have seen me cry, consider yourself lucky. It is a rare sight, like Bigfoot or the Lockness monster.
Why am I telling you this? Because, I want to cry. I may be waking the sleeping dragon here, but I want to cry!! I want to cry tears of saddness, anger, joy and all the other kinds of tears there are.
Basically what I am saying is I want to feel. Truly feel! I want to feel like God feels. I want His joys, His pains, His sorrows. I want my heart to break for what breaks His, I want my soul to fill with His joy and love.
I feel like I have been living my life with my emotions underwraps. I haven't allowed myself to truly feel things. I will only allow my feelings to go to a certian point, but not beyond that. I have kept my emotions to myself, something I can control. I think because I am scared of what will happen if I start to get my heart involved. I don't want to be hurt.
But God has been telling me I need to take a risk. I need to be all in. I can't do this thing called life with one foot on the "safe" side. I have to risk being hurt to truly feel. I know my heart is safe with Him. I have nothing to fear. So…
I am all in God!!!
No feet on the safe side and no back up plan.
I am ready to spend a year totally seeking You. I am ready to love my squad and let them love me. I am ready to fall head over heals for the people in the countreis I go to, knowing that I can't stay with them. But mostly I am ready to fall 100% in love with You. I have given you a lot already, but I am ready to give you everything. Take my emotions, I don't want to control them anymore.
I am excited look absolutely horrible with tears streaming down my face knowing that I am in love with the One who loves me more than anyone ever could. I can't wait to feel the joy that God feels when another one of His children accpets His son. And I welcome the day when my heart aches for the friends I make who are lost and broken.
It's all yours God.
