A Peek Into My Journal

I've had a few friends tell me before that my blogs often read like devotionals to them.  In fact, when I write them, the process often becomes a bit of a "devotional" for me, too.  Last week was one of those times.  (If you missed it, just click here.)

As I walked away from my computer, God continued to deepen the revelation He had begun in me with the story of the Red Sea.  I remembered again what the Israelites said:

"Is this not what we said to you in Egypt: 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness."

I ended up pulling out my journal to help process all of my thoughts.  Here is what I wrote:

In Egypt, the Israelites didn't have to trust God to meet their needs for food, shelter, or safety– the Egyptians did that.  Sure, they were enslaved, but their needs were met.  Out in freedom, they had to trust God to provide.  Likewise, I'm a slave.  I'm a slave to internet and phone access so I can connect with friends and family.  I'm a slave to love and affirmation from those around me.  I'm a slave to comfort.  I'm a slave to pride about my educational/professional success.  I'm a slave, but each of these things provide for my wants and needs.  Now, God is calling me out.  I will no longer have these things to meet my needs.  I will have to trust God and God alone to provide.  My flesh wants to stay in slavery– at least my needs are met!  God wants to show me that my needs can be met (by Him!) and I don't have to be enslaved to anything for that to happen.  Once God strips me of my crutches, He can set me free from needing anyone or anything but Him!  Then, I can enjoy those other blessings– family, Grant, a job, hot showers, internet, etc.– without looking to them for sustenance and provision.  What freedom that will bring!  Lord, strip me on this race.  I never thought I'd willingly pray that, but strip me.  Set me free.  Remove my crutches.  I want to know the freedom of relying on You alone!

This was sort of a big deal for me.  I don't like to pray prayers that invite God to test me.  I don't like asking God to "show me my sin" or "rid me of anything that keeps me from You."  I know these are beautiful prayers that can bring breakthrough and healing, but I'm a bit of a spiritual wimp.  I don't like pain or hurt.  I don't particularly want to invite in trials and difficulties just so I can grow through the struggle.  I avoid the hard stuff.

However, through the story of the Israelites, God brought me to a place where I prayed, "Lord, strip me," and I meant it.  God has blessed me with so many wonderful gifts that I didn't want to leave behind– mainly because I'm afraid of life without them.  I've come to a place where I think I need the gifts more than I need the Giver.  I look to the gifts for comfort, peace, security, and joy.  I've put unhealthy and unfair expectations on the gifts while failing to invite God to be God in my life in a way where He can show me He is all I need.

We sing a song in church that says, "You're all I want.  You're all I've ever needed."  I can think of times where I have sung that song and, in the back of my mind, thought, "Well, God I do mean that on a poetic level.  But just so You know– I also really need my family and the approval and support of others and a safe, warm, comfortable place to sleep at night."  I have actually prayed that in the middle of singing that song.

Now, God is going to strip all of that away as I leave behind every gift for the sake of the Giver.  And you know what?  I'm starting to get really excited about that.  The things and people that currently meet my emotional needs are enslaving me.  It's not their fault– I've put myself here by valuing them above God.  When God brings me out of the US, I will find that I have nowhere to turn to have the needs of my heart met except God alone.  And He is going to love on me in a way I've never experienced before!  He'll show me, very literally, that He is all I need.  Period.  And I can't wait!

I will be FREE!  When I come back home to the "gifts" I hold so dear, I will know that I don't actually need them.  I will not have to cling to them, fearing life without them.  I will know, in the deepest places of my soul, that God is enough.  I will be able to enjoy all of the "extras" as the gifts that they are without asking them to be… well, God!  What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Lord, strip me on this race.  Show me that You truly are enough.  When I come back, I want to sing that song to You and mean it.  I want to know, in every fiber of my being, for the rest of my days, that no matter what I lose in life, I will always have You and You will always be enough.  I don't want to look to the gifts to meet the needs of my heart that only You can supply.  I want to be free of my chains, even though it will mean having to rely on You alone for everything.  Help me to trust You when the difficult stripping process begins.  When the separation begins tearing at my soul, please step in.  Please hold me and comfort me and love on me and remind me of who You are and who I am.  I want more of You– more than anything else in the world.