Most have you have seen my t-shirt design and I couldn’t be happier with it! Thank you to all of you who have already signed up for a shirt! It makes me really happy to know you love it….or maybe you just love me that much to support me 🙂 I want to take a minute to rewind so that you can understand why I chose the lyrics for my design.
I grew up in the church and was saved when I was a little girl but last January I was in a dark place. The guilt and shame of my past had reared its ugly head. I was chasing the wrong things, the wrong people, and the wrong lifestyle. I was attending church but wasn’t fully present. I put on a good front. I smiled, told everyone I was fine, and strayed away from any major commitments that would reveal who I really was. It sucks writing this right now but I need you to know the background previous to all of the great things that are happening now.
One weekend towards the end of January 2013 I decided that something needed to change. The path I was headed down was not a good one. So I made the conscious choice to do some self-reflection. I decided to let God back in to my life. I needed him on a daily basis not just on Sundays when I was pretending to be engaged. I cried out to him asking him to heal the broken parts of my heart. I wanted him to be the lover of my soul. During those few weeks of making changes I realized that He had never left. He was always pursuing me and he won’t ever stop. Once I realized that, I was able to see things in a new light. Shortly after I was asked to be a youth sponsor for one of our youth group events. That weekend forever changed my life in so many ways. It confirmed that God was placing me back on the path he had always intended for me and he was placing me in the lives of others who would one day need to hear my story.
Fast forward a few weeks. Our church has a college ministry that meets on Wednesday nights. My intention for attending was for other reasons but I am so glad that I went. The worship was like none I had ever experienced. The Holy Spirit was moving and each service was powerful and left me hungry for more. During that time I was able to grow and heal in ways that could not have taken place elsewhere. So thank you to those who attributed to that.
Over the next few months I pursued a deeper relationship with God. I kept a prayer journal and would write in it as often as I could. I want to share a few of my entries in hopes that you see what I see and that is that God is faithful.
6-10-13 – Lord for whatever reason Africa has always been on my heart. It is a goal/dream of mine to travel to Africa. To see the pyramids. Lord, adoption has also been something I feel called to do. I’m not sure if these are linked but whatever your plan is for me I hope these two things are in it. I pray you set these things in to motion in your perfect timing.
7-8-13 – Africa, I always struggle with this one. I’m not sure why but Lord I want to go. I’m not sure when or how that opportunity will present itself but I hope and pray that it does. I always thought I would go on a mission trip of some sort but now I think it’s because you’ve put adoption on my heart. Whatever your plan is and for whatever reason you’ve placed Africa on my heart, make it clear to me in your time. Your will. Your way.
7-11-13 – Whatever your will is Lord and for whatever reason this was placed on my heart I just pray and ask in your precious name that your will be done. I ask that you reveal this to me in your perfect timing.
8-28-13 – Lord I want to seek you. I want your desires to become mine. I want to know you more. I want to explore the desires of my heart:
- Africa
- Adoption
- Being a wife
- Becoming a mother
- Teenagers
- Ministry
- To travel the world
- To help others
- Children
- To change the world somehow
- Worship
- Mission Trips
I know the list may continue to grow and some things may change. You said to go and make disciples of all nations. Lord I’m not sure what your plan is for me, but I need your strength to be obedient to whatever that looks like. Use me. Reveal to me what you had in mind for me when you created me. Lord if it’s Africa I ask for provision and peace. I pray that you would work all things together for my good according to your purpose. Help me to love like you love. To serve like you serve and be obedient to you Father God. I know you’re working in me. I love you. Thank you for opening my eyes. You are so good and deserve all the glory.
9-11-13 – Lord, I feel like you are preparing my heart for something great. I feel a change deep in my soul. One that longs for something far greater than anything this world could offer. I need more of you. I need your guidance and direction. Last night at Overflow (the college ministry) I felt you speaking to me. We sang “Oceans” by Hillsong. I want these lyrics to be my prayer Lord:
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith be made stronger. In the presence of my Savior. For I am yours and you are mine.”
Lord awake my soul. Help me to see your plan for my future. Whatever that may be. Help me to trust that you are in control and you’d never lead me astray. You know the desires of my heart and you have great plans for me.
9-24-13 – Father God, I’m not sure why this seems to be so evident to me but I want to go. I’m not sure the purpose or the plan but I want to go. I ask that you would open the door(s) for me to go. I pray that the desires of your heart would become the desires of my heart. Help me to see you more clearly. If now isn’t the time, I’m thankful that you’ve awakened something in my soul that longs for more. I pray blessings over this dream and desire of mine. May your will be done.
11-13-13 Heavenly Father, I keep feeling this anticipation of a trip. Of your plan for my life. I’m not sure if that means I’ll be going in January or not. I’m not sure if you’re asking me to go for a few days or a few months. Am I a missionary? Lord I need clarity with this. Am I not seeking hard enough? How do I get there? You placed this desire in my heart and it’s been building more and more recently. I want to be obedient I want to help your people, love your children, and to follow your will. Lord whatever that looks like I pray that I would be open and ready when the time comes.
Here I am almost 9 months later preparing for The World Race. When I look back at those entries I see so many things. How I’ve matured as a person, how my prayers became more specific, and how incredible our God is. He listened to my prayers. He is giving me the desires of my heart. What started out as a simple desire to go to Africa to see the pyramids turned in to a deeper revealing of his desires for me. To be His hands and feet across this world. He is leading me deeper than I could ever wander and making it known that I am His and he is mine. I am overwhelmed by his grace and unfailing love.
I hope this allows you to see a glimpse of what has been happening in my heart over the last few months. The words on the t-shirt aren’t just words to me, they have been my prayer and will continue to be my prayer throughout this journey.
Thank you for reading, praying, and supporting me throughout this process.
