I cannot express all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that were running throughout my being as I arrived at Training Camp. Imaging every emotion you could possibly feel when planning on leaving everything and everyone you know- FOR A YEAR! Not to mention I knew no one as I arrived to a camp with hundreds of people that had already arrived before me. So this is how I felt— all wrapped in a nice tight blanket of fear, doubt, and stress.
The first couple days overwhelmed me with fatigue, constant processing of internal thoughts, and physical aches and pains. It was also full of worship and sessions on possible forces that keep us captive in our own hearts and minds. I was well conscious of the fact that fear was controlling my mind and outlook of this upcoming journey: fear of the unknown, fear of failure (what if I cannot do this!?), fear of inadequacy (can I do this? Am I enough for this?), fear of loneliness…..
As our squad – X SQUAD- woop woop! Anyway, as our squad grew closer and bonded through of tough living conditions and collaboration that we had to participate in while living, we started to realize that we all that just about the same fears. I began to realize that I wasn’t alone in my fear and that apprehension of the unknown was normal, but fear was no longer invited to sit at my table. As all 50 of us sat around a bonfire one night, we all wrote out our biggest fears on the same one piece of paper and at the end threw it into the fire as a representation that our fears were no longer to sit on our shoulders or in our hearts and we gave it to the Lord. Ever since that night, I have not felt the same fear that I felt entering this camp. The Lord has replaced the fear of failure and inadequacy with empowerment, love, and excitement towards my trip and my newly loved squad members.
I know that as I walk…. He will provide the love and care that I so desperately depend on and will most be dependent on this whole next year. Without it I cannot stand and without it I will not grow and prosper. My prayer is that through this journey my dependence and intimacy with He who is greater will grow and increase day by day.
