Sometimes….I just want to rip my hair out.
Sometimes….I just want to crawl in a ball and cry.
Sometimes….I leave the house early just so I can see people.
Sometimes….I wish I was overseas.
Sometimes….I wake up thankful for all the space in my bed.
Sometimes….I miss life being foreign.
A lot of people have been asking me how it is being back home.
How do I reply? How do I reply when I still do not know how it is being home?
A lot of the times I say, "It is good, hard, but good to be home."
How do I begin to even understand what the past year was like when I found it to be the life that I want to experience every day.
There were so many days when I was on the Race where I wanted to come home and be with my family. Now that I am home and with them, I do not know what it is like to live life in America anymore. It is so familiar, but so foreign. When did living in countries overseas, trying to have conversations with people that do not speak English, eating food that you do not know where it came from, making memories with people that used to drive me crazy that quickly became family that were once so foreign become the familiarity of life?
After talking to my wonderful team leader after being home for a few days and struggling, there was a breakthrough. I came to realize that when we lived overseas, there was one thing that was constant and remained the same. Jesus was Constant throughout all the changes, foods, people, cultures, scenery, travels, challenges, everything. He grew to be my Everything. He was all I wanted. He stayed the same.
What happened to coming home after a year of having Jesus as my Everything and pushing Him aside?
Why was it so easy to push Him aside and become distracted by trying to stay connected with people all over the world, spending time with my family, playing with my niece, taking advantage of the quick wifi, quickly falling back into the familiar routine of going going going and being busy, saying yes to all the opportunities that are presented to me?
I have realized that He is all I want. Life can be busy and filled with many distracting things, but it is nothing compared to what it was over the past year. Yes, I did see a lot of different things and it may have seen exciting and adventurous, but there were the challenging days. Through the good and the hard days, I learned that my heart wants Jesus and Jesus alone. I can adapt, move, live, survive anywhere because He is all I need.
Because I can do that anywhere in the world, no matter the circumstances, whether it be hot, cold, long days, restless days, tiresome, adventurous; I can survive in this environment. I may be presented with all these distractions, but all my heart wants and longs for is time with Jesus.
I have learned that Jesus is with me in all situations, and not in the typical sit down and read my Bible time. He is with me when I am driving with my windows down and singing to the music, when I am sitting outside and soaking up the sun, holding my sweet niece and playing with her to keep her entertained, going on walks with my family members and having deep or casual conversations with them. He is with me all the time, and for that, I am thankful.
Take a moment to remember who God is and who I am.
