I Can No Longer See

Another challenging month.  This is not a surprise.

However, I was taken by surprise.
The surprise was not knowing the challenge of what the Lord was teaching me.

As you have all read before, I was given the responsibility of being the Team Leader for my team while our Team Leader was staying back in Nairobi while his father came out for the Parents' Trip.  I was the TL for the first 11 days of the month.  It was challenging and the Lord taught me so much.  When I met with my TL to discuss the days that he was not here and shared what I was going through, he encouraged me by telling me that the Lord taught me almost everything that he learned in 8 months in just one week.
Wow!  Lord, You are so good.
It is true when AIM said that our ceilings become the next person's floor.  I learned so much.  I learned a lot about leading, my character and the gifts He's given me as a leader, being refined and purified, and learning that I love my Father more today than I did yesterday.

However, once I was not leading anymore, there came to be some frustrations and challenges.  Our contact still saw me as the TL and would come to me to make decisions about ministry for the team.  There were times when I wanted to interrupt the meeting with my contact to go discuss with my TL or the team to see if it was OK if ministry was changed.  I was unsure of the decisions that were being made.  I did not mind the relationship that Pastor and I shared.  We were able to easily converse with one another, once we passed over the hurdle of communication of language barriers.  After a few days of random meetings with Pastor, I grew more confident in answering and bringing the change of plans to the team.

I think I struggled with bringing the change of plans in ministry to the team because our month was already very relaxed and we had a lot of free time.  However, a lot of days had cancelled or postponed ministry, so the team did not understand why this month was so relaxed.  I do not know why it was either.  We felt like we were not being used by our Pastor to fully invest in the community.  We were not being used to his full advantage.  I was thankful for all the rest and the time that our team got to spend with one another.  I honestly did not mind not going to do door-to-door ministry some mornings because it was too rainy or because no one came to translate for us.  I did not mind having Friday Night Prayer services cancelled because it was too dark to walk.  Our ministry was cancelled a lot.  I did not mind staying in the compound.

At the beginning of the month, the team discussed a whole bunch of different things they would like to do while we were in Tanzania. We had the option to go to Mount Kilimanjaro for a day trip.  Pastor happened to have a friend that lived near the base of the mountain and was going to let us stay with him.  The day that I called his friend was the day that our TL, squad leaders and 4 other squad mates came to our compound for the night before they all went to split off to go to their ministry sites.  This day was already very eventful for me and I do not like dealing with a lot of added on responsibilities and change and people.  The day did teach me how to continue to seek rest in the Lord and that my spirit can be at rest, despite the environment and circumstances.  Throughout the week and communication with Pastor's friend, we finally had a trip planned to go to Mount Kilimanjaro.  It was a trip that was an adventure in itself.  We were treated with so much care and love.  Our host served us wonderful meals, gave us a beautiful place to sleep and the view of the mountain was incredible.  We all came home feeling overwhelmed with God's love and just receiving it.  The team came home feeling refreshed and wonderful.

I did not.

Why?

I think the trip was really difficult for me because I was considered the Leader for the weekend, our TL stayed behind with another teammate, and I was expecting a relaxing weekend.  Instead I got a weekend filled with a lot of questions that I did not have the answers to.  People kept coming up to me asking, "When will we be there?", "Who are we meeting?", "Where is his house?", "What are we doing here?", "Where is Mount Kilimanjaro?", "How high is Mount Kili?", "Is that snow?", "What are we doing tonight?", etc.  I usually do not mind answering questions.  Why did I struggle so much this weekend?  I think it was due to expectations of having a relaxing weekend.  I also think that a big contributing factor to why I came home feeling frustrated and exhausted was because I was too proud. I like having the answers to a lot of questions.  I like knowing the plan.  I like being able to serve people and give them the answer.  That weekend I had no answers.  I did not know the man, I did not know anything about Mount Kilimanjaro, I did not know anything about the area of Moshi, I did not know what the plan was for the weekend.  I came back with my pride being bruised.

The next night after we returned back to Arusha, we had a team time of discussing our gifts, inheritances, desires and passions.  We each wrote down a list of words, phrases, and visions that had been declared over us throughout the Race and our lives.  My list was quite extensive because I wrote down everything that was declared over me from at least October 14th, due to my journal.  It was really encouraging to see all the words that have been declared over my identity, my relationship with the Lord, and words about my personality that I did not realize before.  We were asked the question, "After looking at your list, how are you going to be able to use this in ministry at home?"

My list was a jumbled mess.  It looked like it was just words written all over a piece of paper.  I lost the vision for my future for myself.  I did not know what I wanted to do.  I felt lost.  I went to bed frustrated, crying, feeling lost and confused.  When I awoke the next morning, I wrote out all the words into my journal and let the Lord pursue me and declare over me again, who I am in Him.  I do not know what I am supposed to do when I get home.  I do not know how I can use this past year of learning and discovering to help further the Kingdom.  I do know that I am not alone, that the Lord will reveal to me and give me clarity on where to serve.

Ever since our TL had gotten back, it seems as if I did not have the answers to anything anymore.  There were a few more examples of conversations between our contact where I did not have the answers.  There were more questions that were asked towards me that I did not have the answers to.  There were questions asked about how I was doing and I did not have an answer to those.  I felt myself starting to build up walls.  I felt myself starting to distance myself from the team.  I know my flesh wants to hide and push this all under the rug.  But what does that do?  My Spirit is so willing to just share everything, but I want to protect my flesh.  I want to be the person that has the answers.  I want to be the person that knows all.  It is not for other people, but for myself.  I like knowing the answers to everything.  I like knowing the plan of action.  I like knowing why people are reacting the way they do.  I like knowing random facts about the world.  I like knowing.

I felt blind.

I believe that the Lord was teaching me a lot this month.  I think a lot of the month was breaking down my pride and needing to have the answers to everything.  It was not a coincidence that the whole time our TL was here and I was not leading when I started to not know.  It was not a coincidence that I started to not have answers.  It was the Lord taking away my identity of having to know and making me cling to Him.  He is All-Knowing.  He is God.  He is the Alpha and the Omega.  He created everything, why would He not know everything?

This month really showed me that I need to stop clinging to my control.  To my need of knowing.  To my need of seeing.  I may have felt blind this month, but it was for a good reason.  I am learning to let the Lord be my Eyes.  I am learning to let Him be the Controller of my life.  I am learning that I do not need to have an exact plan for my life when I return home.  I am learning that I can just follow the Lord and He will reveal to me, in His good timing, where I can serve Him best.  I know who I am, what my passions in life are, and what I have been gifted with.  I know that I can cling to the Lord's promise of the Lord showing Himself to me when I seek Him.  I know that I have two more months of learning in this season.  I know that I have been given this time to purify my heart even more.  I know that the Lord is so good.  I know that He is with me.  I know that He is love.  These are the Truths that I can cling to.  This is what is important.