This month has been challenging and we have only been here 12 days. My heart is going through so much transformation and a lot is being revealed to me. A lot of it I just want to hide and pretend that it was never there.
I realized after reflecting on it a fer months the whole 5ish months I have been on the Race and after being in a place where God is gently revealing this to me; I have learned that the root problem of my heart is that I have been living life as though I am an orphan and not as a beloved daughter of the King.
I live life in fear.
I live life feeling unworthy.
I live a life of comparison.
I live life hiding.
I live life feeling insecure.
I live life trying to earn God’s love.
I live life as a slave.
I live in fear. I am afraid of what others think of me. I value man’s opinion and though over me instead of being secure in how the Father looks at me. I have struggled with understanding and believing how my Abba looks at me because I look at myself in such a negative way that I have grown believing that is how everyone, including God, sees me. In doing this, I have to earn love from people and from my Daddy. I have been living a life of works and constant guilt of not meeting the standards that I have created for myself.
If I saw myself how my Abba Father sees me, I would be living a life knowing I am loved and feeling safe, secure and at rest. I would be willing to accept His love and love His children the way He loves them, unconditionally.
However, I have been living in fear. I have a fear of trusting those near me, the fear of rejection from loved ones and the fear of allowing my heart to be open to receiving love and to love others. This has been a constant theme of my life throughout the Race. I did not realize how much I was affected from my past, but I am so thankful that the Lord is being gracious and loves me so much, that He is showing me my heart an drawing me closer to Him.
A lot of my fear comes from a root problem of not loving myself. I know my heart and how unlovable I feel I can be. This has made it hard to believe that anyone could love me, especially God. Through this way of thinking, I have told Jesus that His death on the cross was not good enough for me.
Ouch. That stings. A lot.
God continues to draw me closer to Himself. He never meant for me to be an orphan without a home.
I have loved you, Kaitlyn Michele, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to Myself.
Jeremiah 31:3b
My home is found in His embrace and wherever His heart is.
The beautiful thing about this is that God is wanting to make His home in all of us. He will not rest until He accomplishes this.
This is what the LORD says: ‘Heaven is My throne, and the earth is My footstool. Where is the house you will build for Me? Where will My resting place be?’
Isaiah 66:1
Revelation 21:3 shows us that God’s resting place is not found in anything that man can build:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.’
I have been learning that even though I am a beloved daughter of the King, I have remained in my orphan-like thinking. I believed that everyone was untrusting, that I was living life on my own, was agitated and built defensive walls up against people who do not think like me, saw everyone as a threat to my independence and was trying to live a life of pleasing God all the time. This has not been working well in my life of community with 6 other individuals of the Body.
God tells me every morning, “Precious, I love you so much. I am well pleased with you, My daughter. I do not expect you to be perfect or to have everything in order. I am proud of you and spent a lot of time writing out your day. Rest in that, My Beloved. I love you so much just the way you are.”
I do not hear that every morning. In fact, I just started hearing Him speak to me. I have been living a life where I am working to earn His love. When I don’t meet the standards of being perfect, I end up feeling guilty and like a failure. Through this I have been forcing the view of how I think I need to be onto others so that they can be loved by me.
Ouch again. I have been treating my team as though they are not good enough to earn my love because I have been living as though I am not good enough for God’s unconditional love.
A heart that is a daughter of the King:
Image of God: Sees God as a Loving Father
Dependency: Interdependent and acknowledges needs
Theology: Lives by the Law of Love
Security: Is at rest and peace
Need for Approval: Accepted in God’s love and justified by grace
Motive for Service: A deep gratitude for being unconditionally loved and accepted by God
Motive Behind Christian Disciplines: Pleasure and delight
Motivation for Purity: Want to be holy; does not want anything to hinder my intimate relationship with God
Self-Image: Positive and affirmed because I know I have so much value to God
Source of Comfort: Seek times of quietness and solitude to rest in the Father’s presence and love
Peer Relationships: Humility and unity as I value others and am able to rejoice in their blessings and success
Handling Others’ Faults: Love covers as I seek to restore others in a Spirit of Love and Gentleness
View of Authority: Respectful, honoring: I see them as ministers of God for good in my life
View of Admonition: See the receiving of admonition as a blessing and need in my life so that my faults and weaknesses are exposed and put to death
Expression of Love: Open, patient, and affectionate as I lay my life and agendas down in order to meet the needs of others.
Sense of God’s Presence: Close and intimate
Condition: Liberty
Position: I feel like a Daughter
Vision: To daily experience the Father’s unconditional love and acceptance and then be sent as a representative of His love to family and others
Future: Daughtership releases my inheritance!
I recommend Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship: Your Destiny Awaits You by Jack Frost if you would like to read more about what it means to start living your life as a Son or Daughter (this is where I received a lot of my information).
Prayers: To start walking forward in my heart of Daughtership and to have grace on myself when I don’t.
Love, Kaitlyn Michele
