So, you get called on this crazy 9 month missions trip. And you prepare to sacrifice everything you are currently doing and all of the money in your bank account in order to serve the Lord and people around the globe. You know you are probably going to grow and see the Lord move in amazing ways, but you are pretty sure your the most selfless person on planet earth for giving up 9 months of your life.
And then here you are, entering into month 9, and you’ve realized the whole gosh dang trip was actually mostly entirely all about you and your journey with the Lord. And then you feel like the most selfish person on planet earth.
Or maybe that is only me.
This trip has been incredible, and no its not done, but it sure is nearing to an end really really fast. I have left pieces of my heart across the world in ways you can’t understand unless you also have your heart scattered. Jesus has given me love for people that I don’t at all understand. I have met people of all ages, from newborn babies to 106 year olds. I have loved them and prayed for them and invested in them.
But the biggest thing from this trip is how much the Lord has shown me in my own personal walk with Him. Part of which is the journey of grace that the Lord has brought me on.
I don’t know how to explain it in a way that doesn’t make me sound depressed and like I hate myself, so I’m just going to say it and you are going to have to trust me, but I have realized how awful of a person I am. How much I fail. How many times I fall short and trip up over the same box a thousand and one times.
And you want to know what?
He still freaking loves me. He still has abundant grace for me and asks that I too have grace for myself.
I have messed up in really big ways on this trip. I have broken rules, rebelled against authority, spread rumors and gossip, taken advantage of people, lied, acted entirely selfish, lived in anger, ran from good things, and I’m sure Jesus has a few more things He could add to the list.
In fact, there was a point about a month ago that I looked at all the mistakes I had made, and concluded that I was a failure. And I sat in my self pity and wondered why I would try to do anything else on this trip if it seemed that I failed at everything. (I know, a little bit extreme but come on, you know how it is when you are throwing yourself a pity party)
So I was thinking all of this, and Jesus I’m sure was just shaking his head amused at me. And He said, “I am not disappointed in your or displeased. when you look at your brokenness for the first time, know that it is not a surprise or a shock to me. I have known it was there the whole time, but that does not change the love I have always given you. I still have abundant grace for you my daughter.”
It hit me that my brokenness wasn’t a surprise to Him. He wasn’t loving me and then all of a sudden this piece of me in my flesh acted out and now He has to decide whether to love me or not. No, He knows my true brokenness. Even before I see it. Even before it comes to the surface, and yet it doesn’t change his love and grace that He has for me.
Don’t get me wrong, Its not like before this trip I thought I was a perfect person or anything. But I was very blinded to my own flesh. In fact there have been times on this trip that Jesus has brought to light things about my life that I have never seen before. And I had to bring those things to the feet of Jesus and ask for forgiveness for living so long in sin.
And so, its been a journey of grace. Learning how much grace I truly need, and learning how much He truly gives me plus some.
But then, its also been a journey about having grace for myself. I am learning that when Jesus brings up an area of my life that needs work, it doesn’t need to be fixed right then. I don’t have to beat myself up for failing in a certain way. He will prompt me at times when I need to do a little improvement. And He will show me the times I have fallen short. But at the end of the day, He still loves me for who I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I mess up, or how many ways I fall short. His love for me has never changed and will never change.
That right there is what make me want more than anything to be the woman He has called me to be. To pick myself up every time I fail, and know that his mercies are new every morning. I have experienced and felt his grace in ways that I never have before, and therefore have grown in ways I never have.
His grace is abundantly good in ways I will never know this side of heaven. I am so thankful for all that He is and all that He gives to me.
