I'm gonna start out by being brutally honest: I don't think I'm good enough to be going on this trip. Looking back on the things I've done in my life, I don't think I'm good enough for anything, let alone going on a trip with the sole purpose of spreading God's love and serving people in other countries. How am I going to do this, Lord?
People hear about me going on this trip, and while some people don't understand why and say, "shouldn't you be getting a university education at this point in your life?", most people are ecstatic for me. They tell me that God is going to use me to do amazing things in the lives of the people I meet on my journey. And while I pretend I believe that, the voice in my head is telling me that I am completely inadequate, unprepared, and unqualified to be doing something like this. Look at me… I'm a terrified little girl who's only been out of North America once in her entire life, who only knows how to speak English, who has no real talents, gifts, or qualifications, and who has only really turned her life over to Jesus in the past year and a half. How can I be used by this Almighty God to do any good in the world? What are ya thinking, God?
Sure, there are people out there who have done much worse than I have in my short life. But looking back, the last thing I was doing while walking through the muck of my life was trusting in the Lord, like I grew up hearing Him telling me to do. I all but completely rejected Him! I remember being reminded over and over by Him that He loves me and all I needed to do was trust that He had a plan and let Him take the reins. But did I do that? Nope, not until I had almost hit rock bottom. Then I suddenly decided to have a complete change of heart – so why should He forgive me now? After living that way for years and ignoring Him, why would He decide to forgive me now? Why are you choosing to use me in others' lives, God?
"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8, ESV).
"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him." (Romans 5:6-8, MSG).
I still have a hard time believing this! He doesn't expect me to be "ready" or "perfect" when He calls me to serve Him – nothing we do can ever prepare us or make us good enough to be used by Him. Which is definitely a humbling and slightly encouraging thought! I'm a human being – I mess up all the time and never listen and never do what I'm told. But instead of getting mad and giving up on me, Jesus smiles, picks me up out of my mess, lovingly cleans me up, and gives me another chance. He says to me, "I don't expect you to be 'good enough'; just love me and be available to me. That's all I ask you to do. And if you mess up and are sorry, my second chances are endless. Because I love you and want you to live happily with me in Heaven." Jesus has already forgotten about the crap that I have done in my life. He sees me seeking Him and hungering after Him and He says that I am good. With Him in my heart, I am good enough to go and tell people about why I'm choosing to love them and live my life differently. I'm good enough to say boldly that I am forgiven and loved and because of that, I will live the life that God has chosen for me.
I will surrender my heart to Him daily and strive to be deserving of His grace. That's why I followed His lead to The World Race. After experiencing Jesus' love every day, nothing can hold me back from going to every nation to proclaim His forgiveness.
