It was midnight, on Christmas Eve that I had done something I would have never imagined myself doing.
I’m inside a strange house, I’ve never been in before. There’s a ski mask hiding my face, and a pistol in my hand. I’m beating an older man, who I know nothing about. Blood is rushing from his face, but I keep hitting him. I can see myself, as a monster, and wonder how I have become this way. Maybe it was all the rejection I faced as a child? My sister was always the chosen child, and was adored by my parents. Maybe it was the daily abuse I suffered from my own father? I was always messing up, and I know he wasn’t proud of who I’ve become. Maybe it’s all the drugs, that have created this monster I am now? Maybe it was all these combined that has created this man, I don’t recognize anymore?
As I’m watching myself beat on this poor, helpless man, I hear a voice telling me “Snap out of it, Kire!” I see now that I have nearly killed this man. I have beaten this man, and stolen his money, just to buy some drugs. I stay with him, until I hear him start to breathe again, then call the ambulance, and run away from this situation as fast as I can. Who have I become, I ask myself?
I always promised myself I wouldn’t be like my father, so how did I let this happen? I have become just like him. How have I let this world make me into who I am today?
I feel like a slave. A slave to these drugs. A slave to this rage inside of me. A slave to my own self-hatred and guilt. This feeling is all consuming, and I can only think of one thing that can help. More heroin. I have been bound to drugs and alcohol since the age of fourteen. They are the only thing that gives me numbness to continue living. Without them, I feel miserable.
My family has shunned me, after I have stolen from them, and caused them much pain. My wife has left me, after me abusing her, and not giving her the family she desired. It is not that I don’t want a family- but what kind of father could I offer to her children? I knew better than to do that to her or her children. I find myself now alone, and can’t seem to find any way out of this miserable desperation.
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It had now been a year since I had hit my lowest point- hurting that helpless man. I have drowned in my own guilt day after day, doing nothing but hiding away and drugging myself till I couldn’t feel anything. But even that sometimes wasn’t enough.
Maybe it would just be easier to take my own life? I have been called a retard by my own mother, I am clearly unloved by everyone in my life, and it seems that all I can do is hurt people, including myself.
I begin craving more heroin, with everything in me. I decide to go out to get it, when I run into two of my old friends, who I used to get high with.
I remember the state I am in, abnormally skinny, unbathed, and exhausted. I feel ashamed to be found like this, but when they approach me it seems that they don’t even notice all my filth. They invite me to go get coffee with them to talk, but the only priority on my mind is getting my fix. I decline and continue about my way.
At the end of that day, even after getting high I find myself wishing I would have gone to talk with my old friends. I hear a voice in my head telling me to go talk to them. So, I did. They seemed so different than how they used to be. Healthy, happy, and living with so much purpose. They were showing me a love that I had never experienced before, and didn’t believe I deserved. They told me they had found Jesus. That this man named Jesus, has given them a new life, and healed them from their addictions. I didn’t buy it. I told them I was raised Orthodox, and God has never done anything for me. I wasn’t going to put hope in something new, something unknown, and risk being hurt again. I shrugged everything they told me off, and left as soon as I could. They have no clue what is true, I thought, or how big my troubles are. How could one man, fix all this mess?
I began to wonder to myself, and realized I didn’t know anything about God. The God I was told about when I was younger, had meant nothing to me. This Jesus guy, meant nothing to me. Something in me wondered if maybe there was some truth to the things they had told me. I had no valid argument anymore to defend myself.
The next day I decided to go back to ask questions. I needed to know more about Jesus. Why would he die for someone like ME? Why would he love ME? There’s no way. Hadn’t he known the monster that I am? As they continued to tell me I could be saved by Jesus too, I didn’t quite believe them. But I did see the freedom my friends were walking in, and I knew I needed that. At that moment, I decided I wanted freedom from my addiction.
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I, day by day, began to lower the dosage of drugs I was taking. I was taking the equivalent of 24 pills, enough to kill a horse. I turned to witchcraft, therapy, and anything I could to help me get away from these drugs.
It was February 18, 2011, when I finally went cold turkey from everything. My whole body ached, and I was unable to do anything. My mother had to help me use the restroom and bathe me as a grown man. I felt again, even more pathetic than ever. I was constantly shaking and in pain. Completely exhausted from not being able to sleep, I decided to pray to God to help me. There was no other option.
I prayed to God, “Lord, I am not asking for much, but please just give me a couple hours of rest.” The next thing I knew I had woken up, after sleeping for a couple hours. I couldn’t even remember how I had fallen asleep.
I began thinking, maybe God is real? Maybe he does hear and care for me, like my old friends had told me? Who is this God, and why does He love me? My mind became consumed with questions about Him.
Only fourteen days later, I found myself at YWAM Discipleship Training School. I began to hear the basic truths of the gospel for the first time. I learned about forgiveness, and how I was forgiven. I needed to forgive my father, and release the anger I was clinging to.
I knew it was time to go back to my family, to make amends. My sister, who was so embarrassed of who I was, forgave me. She handed me over my niece, to hold for the first time. I’m holding this sweet little girl in my arms, and my eyes fill with tears. I started to realize the beauty of life, and family. I felt so honored to be this little girls Uncle. I could feel my heart begin to soften to the idea of having children of my own someday.
I begin to understand clearly the love that God has for me. How God sees me as I see this little girl; blameless and pure. I knew at this moment that I was going to live a life full of God’s love and light, and would never go back to bondage that had suffocated me before. It was time for me to walk into full freedom in Jesus Christ.
The old me was now dead, and my new life was just beginning.
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This month I have had the absolute privilege of getting to know, my new friend, Kire. He is one of the four guys we worked with this month, and just one of the amazing testimonies we got to hear. I asked him if I could share part of his story with you all, and he was so kind to let me!
Since giving his life to Christ, it hasn’t been perfect. He has recently had to deal with a failed engagement, and other struggles from time to time.
But let me tell you, he is so full of light and the love of God. He has been such an encouragement to my team and I. The Lord is using him, and his story to free so many people here in Macedonia, from their addictions and hopelessness. We hope you are as encouraged by his story as we have been.
If you would like to pray for him, he would love prayer for his next steps. He is applying to work with YWAM again within the next month. Prayers for continued growth and intimacy with The Lord. Also, for him to find love and someday have children of his own.
Thank you for your prayers! God Bless!
