When I found out I was going on the race, I had so much excitement in my soul, but also some fear. One of my biggest fears coming on the race, was simply that I wouldn’t thrive. First, I am a feeler. And a deep one at that. Also, my biggest gifting’s are mercy and compassion. I am a person that can easily meet people where they are, and feel pain with them without ever actually wanting to.
I forgive easy. I sympathize easy. I love easy.
These are all great things, and I know that. But when you are going to countries where you are faced with poverty, injustice, violence, and slavery every day, as a feeler your heart can become very overwhelmed and heavy.
So, how am I handling all of this? Well, I think I have made a mistake.
I don’t think I’m thriving, and well frankly more times than not, I see myself as weak amongst all my other teammates. I cry more than I would like to admit. I question God daily. I have seen that this world is an ugly one.
I try to push through and most times end up just having to push feelings down, so I can just get by. I hold back tears and give the typical Christians answers of “God has purpose for your pain.” And I tell myself that too, just to have a simple answer.
I have made a big mistake.
I am not cut out to be serving people whose pain is so real, and there is no sign of it getting better anytime soon. There is no easy solution to any of these issues I am facing.
I don’t have the answers to the questions people ask me. I thought I would be able to smile when seeing people in pain, and tell them something that would help them feel better. But I can’t. I see these beautiful people hurting and instantly I’m hurting with them. My biggest fear about the race has come true. If I’m being honest, I just spent half an hour balling my eyes out in a Cambodian bathroom by myself, just asking God” WHY?”
Lord, why would you let me make this mistake? I don’t want to be a ‘feeler’ anymore.
His response:
“Why do you doubt the way I created you to be? It may seem easier to be someone who doesn’t feel so strong, but I have not crafted you that way. Being a feeler is a beautiful gift. You are to be a sister to everyone you encounter, and be willing to sit and cry with them. You offer them, something NEW. You make others feel seen, and know that they are so cared for. By you willing to sit in other people’s mess, you offer a safe place. You offer something real, and not just a quick fix. You have not made a mistake, but a wonderful victory for so many. Stay close to me, my beloved, as we offer a love to so many that have never tasted such a thing. Keep your eyes fixed on me, it will not be easy, but it will be worth everything! You offer something so special that this broken world desperately needs. I’m not asking you to fix this world, so stop holding that weight on your shoulders. You don’t have all the answers, just keep pressing in. Keep being brave. Keep bringing kingdom. I am dazzled by you, my sweet daughter.”
