Being accepted on the Word Race, was a dream come true. The day I found out I would be traveling to eleven countries in eleven months to spread the love of The Lord, I was so pumped. I knew I was doing what God had called me to do, and felt so much purpose in it. But along with that came this immense pressure to be more. I’m not just Kaiti, an accounting clerk, a leader for youth ministries, a coffee and kale fanatic anymore, I’m a World Racer!
This was the definition of a World Racer in my head: Someone on fire for the Lord. Someone who had everything together, and never messed up. A humble servant. Someone who loved to embrace suffering, and is willing to give up everything for the Lord, all the while having a smile on their face. Someone who had the entire Bible memorized, forward and backward. To be a racer, you must be brave, willing to do anything you are asked to do, and can do it with excellence and ease. You love community and never get annoyed with your teammates. You are the perfect extrovert. Someone who puts everyone else before themselves. An excellent blogger, and story teller. To be a world racer, you are Godly in everything you do, always!
And don’t get me wrong, these things are great!
But did I think I was all these things? HECK NO! In fact, I knew I wasn’t even half of them, so you can imagine the pressure I felt? Instead of just admitting my “faults” to my squad, I did the best I could at playing pretend.
Every morning I would wake up, and the first thing I would do is bury myself in my Bible, making sure to stay caught up with the reading plan all my teammates were doing. After reading my Bible, I would continue to read some more, always a book written by a Christian author. If I ever prayed out loud, I would always try to make my prayers sound wordy and beautiful. Praying for things that sounded nice, instead of what I really felt in my heart. I never let others into my struggles, or fears that I was having on the race. The only music I would listen to was worship music, bye bye Bruno. I let go of any individuality I had, to make sure I was blending well with my team.
I was a version of Kaiti, I had never seen before. A version of Kaiti that wasn’t serving herself, and frankly wasn’t serving God.
This month in Vietnam, I have finally come to the realization as to why I have not felt like myself thus far on the race. I was living to please those around me, and trying to make myself fit into a mold, that I was never intended to fit in.
God made me with the quirks I have, for a reason. God gave me the struggles I have, for a reason. God gave me the desires I have, for a reason. All of who I am, was hand crafted by the master of creation, for a purpose so grand. And here I am, belittling who He made me to be, in hopes that I could seem more “spiritual” for those around me.
All the while, missing the fact that the most spiritual thing you could do, is be completely authentic and vulnerable with others about who you are. Your hopes, dreams, and fears. To wholly embrace who God made you to be, because you fully trust that He is good, and that you are a beautiful reflection of Him.
God has never asked me to be perfect, and doesn’t want me to be seeking him for some image I’m trying to uphold. But to do these things, because it is something my heart and soul crave. To do these things, Kaiti style, the way He designed me to function and thrive.
So, from now on, I promise to you all, to God, and myself, to let the real me BE. To not let who I am be shaped by the opinions of others, but to be the silly, compassionate, Kombucha-loving girl, God created me to be.
