I’m sitting here on my sleeping pad while the rest of my team is out doing ministry. Breathing heavier than normal from over exerting myself, I attempt to type out this blog with what little energy I have.
Life sucks.
I had BIG expectations for Africa.
God put Africa on my heart back when I was a senior in high school. Four and a half years later it finally came to pass. I wasn’t sure what it would look like, but it wasn’t this.
These past three weeks have been the pits.
I have a passion for entrepreneurship/business and healing, and since we’ve been here I’ve seen the prosperity gospel in action and people taking the scripture out of context. I’m sick and tired of people trying to take advantage of me because I’m a muzungu (a white person).
I hate it.
On top of that, I got sick. Again.
So here I am cooped up in a room, underneath my mosquito net, trying to recover. I lost seven pounds in two weeks due to diet change and being sick. I’ve been watching Gossip Girl, dreaming about food from back home, and (half) jokingly talk about going home.
This is not what I imagined Africa to be like.
After a week of trying to get better and going to the clinic twice, I finally gathered what little energy I had to go to church. Once I arrived, I had a meltdown.
You see, I can be a ticking time bomb. I know what I should feel and think, but that head knowledge sometimes doesn’t transfer to heart knowledge.
Everything bubbled up to the surface and spilled over. I quietly walked out during praise and worship and went behind the church to let it all out. I beefed it out with God asking, “Why. Why am I here?!”
I’m still not exactly sure what I’m doing here in Africa, but I keep clinging to the verse from Jeremiah 29:11-13, “’For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me, and I will listen to you. Seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
In this scripture, I’m reminded to seek Him with ALL my heart, not just some of it. I shared this verse to several people living here in Malawi back when we first arrived, firmly believing this for them. In the same way, I cling to this hope.
Another verse that God keeps reminding me of is, “Consider it a joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds. For suffering produces maturity and maturity is complete lacking in nothing.”
Before I went on the race, I asked God to challenge me and grow me. Seriously, be careful what you ask for. But in all honestly, I can say I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Yeah, it sucks. But! I know that I’m learning and growing. I can’t grow when I’m in my comfort zone. All my life I’ve tried to live outside my comfort zone. Right now I’m so far from it I can’t even see a glimpse of it anymore.
I realized that I hate not having control. I can deal with doing my part and having God do the rest, but when I have to completely trust in God with a circumstance or a person and know that whatever I do won’t affect the situation (besides prayer), that is something I’m not good at. It’s a work in progress.
So I’m at the point where I can give up or give God the reigns. I have the opportunity to shut down or give Him complete control.
I chose to give in to God.
It’s scary. It’s not ideal. Yet I know that all of this is in His perfect and pleasing plan for me.
He never said it was going to be easy. And let me tell you, it’s not. It’s FAR from it. But I know it’s the best.
Sometimes in your life, it may feel like hell. It may feel like the world is crashing down around you and bad thing after bad thing is happening. That no matter what you do, you lose.
That’s the point where you get to choose. Do you choose to press in or do you choose to cop out?
I’m choosing to press in. Are you?
Sending all my love from Africa,
Kai
P.S. Even in the midst of all this craziness, I still have 60 things I’m thankful for here in Malawi and I’m working to 100. The best thing to do in times like these is to praise and worship God for how good He truly is, no matter the circumstances! Shout out to my team, Team Gener8 for being such a rock and support in this season. (:
