Have you ever had a day where the world seems just a little louder than you’re feeling? Like even if you can block out the noise, you will still feel the presence of other people pressing against you. That moment when you close your eyes and think really hard about thinking, but you can’t focus because the atmosphere around you is full of everyone else’s thoughts and voices.
This is almost every day when you’re an introvert living in 24/7 community.
Spending nearly every minute of the day with other people is hard, even when you love them. And I do love my team, I’m grateful for every day I’ve been able to experience with them. I’ve enjoyed living, working, and travelling with these 6 people so much that I almost convinced myself that maybe I didn’t need as much time to myself as I’d always thought. When it comes down to it though, the honest truth is that experiencing every day as a part of a group doesn’t always fill me up. It doesn’t matter how much I love this family if I never have the chance to process life on my own sometimes, just God and me.
I hit a breaking point about halfway through Cambodia. I was spending quiet time with God but it wasn’t enough. I felt like He was on the other side of a thick glass window; I know He was there, but it was like I couldn’t get to Him. I could close my eyes and put in my headphones, but I could never forget that there was someone beside me, or in the next room. I just wanted to be alone with God – to think, to listen, to process – and it was impossible.
I know that God can speak to me anywhere and everywhere, that I don’t have to be by myself to have quiet time, but at this point I was desperate for just an hour or so where I could convince myself I was the only person around. I needed one of my quiet mountains I love so much at home. I know that my heart language with God is solitude, quiet places, and wilderness. That’s when I feel like I can shut down the world and focus.
I finally had a long-overdue conversation with my team. It was somewhere along the lines of, “I love you a lot and I wouldn’t want to walk through this year with anyone else, but I need to not see any of you for a few hours.” I was able to see once again how blessed I am by these awesome friends, as they not only accepted what I was feeling but rallied around me and immediately found a way to address it.
The next day was a holiday for our students, leaving us with an unexpected free afternoon. Amanda and I loaded our bags with journals, Bibles, iPods, and snacks, and headed to the river on our bikes. We found a beautiful stretch along the shore with benches and settled in for a long stay. I sat on one bench, and Amanda sat on another one as far away as she could while still honoring the commitment we make to not go anywhere alone. I closed my eyes, leaned back on the park bench, and let the waves of solitude wash over me…
… until four local women sat down on the bench two feet away from mine, talking excitedly. There were ten empty benches all around me – the area was empty of people – but they sat so close I could see them out of the corners of my eyes and hear their laughter even when I turned my headphones up so loud I started getting a headache.
Really, God? I tell you I’m drowning in togetherness and community, and you tease me with three minutes of peace and quiet before yanking it away?
The emotions that flooded me in that moment weren’t pretty. I was immediately frustrated to the point of tears. I could see the women casting sidelong glances at the crazy white girl sitting next to them with tears sliding out from under her sunglasses.
All I wanted was to be alone with God. I wanted to not be a spectacle for a change, to be able to sit on a park bench without being under constant observation. I wanted normal life, where I could go where I wanted, blend in, and not be such a novelty. I thought, God, can’t you just make them go away so I can be by myself for a little while? I can’t hear you over the chatter around me. I can’t see you past the eyes staring at me. I want to spend time with you, but it I can’t do it like this.
Of course, I didn’t really expect God to buy any of that nonsense. Apparently he wasn’t willing to indulge me, since there was at least one person on that bench next to me for the entire two hours I was at the river. Since I didn’t have any choice, I got over it. I made the decision to still seek God and work out the thoughts in my own head, even though I didn’t get to be the only person in the world while I did it.
After a while Amanda and I moved to a coffee shop to escape the rain, but I wasn’t anywhere close to being done yet. 4 hours, 10 journal pages, and a lot of prayer later, I was finally at peace with the things the Lord had asked me let go of and confident that I could navigate community while still having a personal life and relationship with God.
When it comes down to it, I’ve chosen a lifestyle right now that means I probably won’t be alone for a while. That’s no excuse for not setting aside the alone time I need and making sure I’m seeking God daily. I’ve been using my teammates and community living as excuses for not pushing into personal growth, so it’s time to change my expectations for what that looks like.
What does alone time look like these days? When I sat at that café, trying to block out the world, two of my teammates passed by on the street. I acknowledged them, then went back to my journal and pretended I never saw them. They understood – if there’s one unspoken rule in close community, it’s that you don’t mess with alone time.
