I don't know about you, but I like to be prepared for things. Spontaneity isn't really my thing, so I'm a lot more comfortable if I can think things through and plan for them. With this kind of mindset, I usually have a good idea of what to expect when I'm starting something new. That way I can prepare for whatever's coming. Recently, however, I've found myself in a situation that has completely thrown off my usual habits.
I have to prepare for a year in which every single thing about my life will be changing in big, challenging ways. Oh, and I'm not supposed to have expectations because they will probably be wrong.
Easy, right? Hhmm, maybe not. So I'm left to figure out how I'm supposed to make preparations without having expectations. I knew this would be a struggle early on, when I was first asking God to guide me in deciding whether or not to do WR. Actually, it was more like me begging God to give me answers (please Lord, just one clear, direct answer?) that would make me either feel great about going or give me a solid enough reason to say no, it's not for me. It sounded a bit like this:
God, leaving home and my family is going to be really hard.
YES.
God, community living is going to be a challenge. I might not like it.
YES.
God, living conditions will be uncomfortable sometimes. And I might get scared.
YES.
But, God…this is going to be REALLY HARD.
YES.
I realized in that moment that I wasn't going to get the comforting, easily processed answers I was looking for. And I realize a little more each day that this is how I have to look at every aspect of the race. I can't prepare myself for World Race. Not really. If I could bend this next year to my expectations then I would be missing the point completely.
How can I grow in my faith, in my life, in my service to others, if I never let God be any bigger than what I'm expecting? I can't. Of course, it's silly to think I'm really capable of banishing all expectations. When I think about the journey awaiting me, I'm still expecting a few things: challenging living conditions, moments of beautiful community support followed by times of complete frustration and questioning, the chance to wonder at the variety and beauty God's world and people have to offer.
Most of all, I expect a lot of breaking. Breaking of boundaries, as I'm forced out of my comfort zone. Breaking of my personal space bubble, as I learn the joys of living in close community. Breaking of limits, as I learn the love God has for his people (including me) in a way that sometimes gets lost in this self-sufficient lifestyle I've been living. And, of course, I expect a lot of breaking of expectations.
Thank you, Lord, for offering me so much more out of life than I expect for myself.
