What is your 5 year plan?
It is the question that Raul, one of our Romanian ministry contacts, asked us the first morning of orientation this month. I hated the question as soon as he asked it. As my squad mates began to answer the question – out loud, one by one, verbally stating their biggest dreams and greatest desires – I could feel my heart sinking into my stomach as my body sank lower into my seat. but there was no avoiding it…
"I don't know. I've always been a planner, but nothing has ever gone as planned. I think that's why God called me on this journey – to let go of my plans and instead to just be in His presence and enjoy what He has for me in the moment, yet also to spend time seeking out what HE wants for my future."
What do you want to do after The World Race?
It is another question that is asked a lot on the field. I usually reply with a polite, "I'm not sure," and change the subject. but today, with my heart wide open, I want to be honest…
I have big dreams and great desires.
What is my biggest dream and greatest desire?
to be a wife and a mom.
Rejection. It has loomed over my life for years. All of my insecurities stem from this fear, the fear of being rejected. I actually did not realize this until one day last week. I got my feelings hurt – basically I felt left out and unwanted – and for the first time on the race, I cried – like a real, ugly cry, tears included. One of my teammates sat down beside me and embraced me in a hug, and she said, "The enemy is distorting everything you know to be true with lies. Satan knows your fears, and your weaknesses, and your story. He knows you're sensitive and that you get your feelings hurt easily. He's attacked you this way for years, over and over and over. But you are not rejected. You are accepted, admired, and loved by God. He chose you."
So, what is my biggest and greatest fear?
I fear that I will never marry, that I will never be a wife. But even more than that, I fear that I will marry and not be able to have children, that I will never be a mom. and my husband will never be a dad.
My biggest dream and greatest desire is to be a wife and a mom. Satan knows that, and he has used my fear of rejection to water the fears of never being a wife or a mom. He has told me over and over and over that I will never marry and never be able to carry children. He told me this so many times that I believed it.
But, scripture says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." [Psalm 37:4]
The Lord knows the deepest desires of my heart, and since being on the race, I have found so much comfort in that. He is teaching me to truly trust Him and His timing. Last month in Bulgaria, I was standing outside on the balcony asking God for reassurance about being on this journey, and He spoke so clearly to me, "Trust me. I know you're frustrated because you don't understand. But 11 months is such a short amount of time. I want you to just embrace this time with Me. Right now, you don't have to understand what I am doing. Just know, I have good things planned for you. Trust me." Then just a few weeks later, He lead me to this verse, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." [John 13:7] And numerous times He has taken me back to that one night at Training Camp when I had the encounter with the girl on crutches, when she spoke these words into my life, "God wanted me to tell you that you are a beautiful bride. You are a beautiful bride dressed in white on your wedding day. And He wanted me to tell you that he's waiting for you at the alter."
Each day that passes, I believe more and more that that night at Training Camp, God was making me a promise. And the Word says, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her." [Luke 1:45] I believe that my desire to marry and have children is a godly one. I also believe that in His timing, He will fulfill His promise and give me the desires of my heart. Until that day comes, He is at work in my life. He is ridding me of my flesh and replacing it with more of His heart. My heart is becoming more open to what He has for me. I am walking in freedom. And it is a beautiful thing!
This journey I am on is not my own. It will one day connect with another. This is just the in-between, a place to "embrace the wait, [to] learn to appreciate the delays and postponements that teach us some things in life are worth waiting for." (Jeff Goins)
