It’s been a while since my last blog. So much has been going on lately that I don’t think I’ve actually had time to sit still and take everything in. From fundraising to the many things on my to-do list that I still need “to do” in order to prepare to leave, it’s been a battle to guard my quiet time, much less make time to write. So if you will, please bear with me while I try to put into words what my heart has been holding in these past few weeks.
If you don’t mind, I want to share a passage from the bible with you that I’ve had on my mind constantly here lately…
“One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.” (Luke 5:1-11)
So, why share this particular passage right? Hold on I’ll explain in a sec, first let me start off by also sharing with you that I struggle with comparing myself to others, I hate talking in front of a big group of people (especially when it involves something as intimidating as a microphone), I care way too much about what other people think of me, and my past is messy and all over the place. I’ve been comfortable “fishing” in my own little pond, in my own little sphere of influence with everything and everyone that knows me and knows who I am and even knows who I once was, but I hear Jesus saying, “Kacy, put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” I believe and know with all that’s within me that this pertains to pretty much every area of my life, of my mind, and of my soul. “Go deeper in relationships with these people who you’ll call family this next year, go into deeper waters and speak out loud, be bold, ask for help, let go of your pride and quit worrying and trust me Kacy. Do you care more about what others think than what I think and say about you?” That last question cuts deep and is so convicting. I’ve been hesitant to respond to Jesus just as Peter was at first, thinking he knew what the outcome was going to be already, but because Jesus told him to, he did it anyway. It’s easy to say I don’t care what anyone thinks of me until I step out into unknown waters. I’m okay with what’s been normal to me these past couple of years; I’m comfortable with my friends and family who know the good the bad and the ugly parts of my testimony. Now I have to open up to a whole new group of people who I hardly know? What if my testimony is too R-rated for them? Oh, and you want me to fundraise and talk in front of people? Do I have to use a microphone, really Jesus? This is way out of my comfort zone Jesus. What if I say something stupid? What if my squad mates already don’t like me or what if I’m too much and they don’t understand me? I can’t believe I sent the wrong address out on the return envelopes for donations out in my support letter, but you want me to keep going like it never even happened? What if they think I’m not capable? There are so many questions and so many thoughts, yet I remember that Jesus called me to these deeper waters and because He said do it, I will, regardless of how I feel or what does or doesn’t make sense to me.
I can already testify that God has been faithful to provide above and beyond what my finite mind could ever possibly imagine while fundraising, just as Peter’s nets began to break after letting them down from catching so many fish! I’m currently coming up on $12,000 of my $16,277 and have also risen above and beyond my expectations for the money to help with all of my gear in such a short amount of time. I had questions. BUT GOD. I had doubts. BUT GOD. I had worries. BUT GOD. I made mistakes. BUT GOD. These past couple of weeks I’ve been Peter at Jesus’ knees, realizing just how wrong I’ve been about so much and reminded of how holy and good Jesus is and how he will provide for every little detail. He doesn’t take back his promises when we doubt or question, no, he comes through and reminds you in crazy amazing ways of who you are in him and how much he relentlessly loves you and desires to provide for you. While I’m sure it’s normal to have questions, or thoughts about major life decisions, it hurts to look back and see how prideful I’ve been and how much worrying I really have been doing about all of the wrong things. It’s been super humbling to see Jesus step in and provide more than I ever thought possible in such a short amount of time, regardless of myself and all the hesitancy, excuses, and questions I brought to him. It’s in this place of brokenness and being humbled that I hear Jesus say, “Don’t be afraid, Kacy; from now on you will fish for people.” “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” (Hebrews 10:36) “Don’t stop. Keep your courage up.”
Just like Peter, who pulled his boat up on shore and left everything to follow Jesus, I know there are certain things I need to pull up and leave behind. The past. Mistakes. The shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. The care of what other people might or might not think of me. I don’t need to understand why my life has gone the way it has in the past in order to follow Jesus now. I’m 26, I haven’t graduated college yet, but I’ve had my fair share of clubs, alcohol, weed, boys, and have even spent a few days in jail. I’ll never be able to step out any deeper if I continue to hang on to those things with regret or worry if someone might possibly be intimidated by my past mess. Jesus didn’t care that Peter was going to deny him not once but three times, He still loved him and chose him and I pray that if anyone else reading this feels they are unworthy by things you’ve done in the past that you realize the love and grace Jesus Christ has for you and offers you. In him you are worthy and there is hope, forgiveness, eternal life, peace, abundant joy and love, and redemption! There’s nobody too messy for Jesus. He came for the messy. He came for the hurting and broken ones and once he starts a good work in you, be confident that he’ll carry it on to completion until the day of Christ. God finishes what he starts. I know with me, He’s started this 11 month adventure with him and I’m growing in confidence and believing that he’s going to allow me to finish strong. What has he started in you? Will you allow him to call you into deeper waters? I pray you find the strength and grace in Jesus to leave it all behind; every insecurity, every fear, every doubt, every bit of unforgiveness or bitterness, every hurt, whatever it may be… may you leave it behind and follow Jesus.
Because my Redeemer lives,
Kacy C. <3
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:1-3)
