Yes
Trust
Bravery
Freedom
I am learning a few things about each of these. The main thing is that they all go hand in hand. The squad asked me around month 6 about advice I would give to a Racer that has made it to the halfway point.
I always told them the same thing and it’s this:
Don’t let your yes grow weary
Keep saying yes. Keep following the Lord and grabbing hold of everything that He puts in front of you with both hands. I was telling them that while also encouraging my own soul to continue to say the yes and to say it with confidence.
Since month 2 on my own race, bungee jumping has been a thought. It has been like a fly. It comes up, I shoo it away. Never in my life would I desire to jump off a bridge. As I was leaving for World Race round two, people kept speaking the word BRAVE over me. Whether it was in their prayers or just in passing words of “wow, you are so brave to travel the world like this.”
Since Month 1, Ecuador, I have had things to prove to myself. I don’t like when people say things about me that aren’t true. Whether they are negative or positive. In this case, brave seemed like a really cool thing. And by cool, I mean scary. I thought for sure that I wasn’t brave. Good thing that a lot of times the people closest to us see things in us that we don’t quite see yet.
I’m scared of heights.
You’ll never catch me in a haunted house.
Bridges? No thanks.
Speaking in front of groups? Yea. Right.
But that fly. And all of it’s nagging.
And so the journey to bravery started.
All throughout India, it wasn’t necessarily about bravery, it was just about freedom. Freedom to dance, to rap, to paint and draw and invite people into seeing those things. I experienced a level of freedom that I never thought possible. Dancing and acting a fool in front of a classroom. Saying hard things. Letting people know how much they mean to me. Leading a group of 18-22 year olds from Canada to India with all the travel glitches in the land. Walking barefoot and being okay with germs. Funny but true.
When I was praying about Africa and what the Lord wanted for these three months, He kept giving me the word “abundance.” I didn’t know what that meant. Then He started telling me that there would be more freedom. I didn’t know how. I literally had no idea how there could ever be more because I felt SO FREE. I felt so full of joy and peace. I felt bold and confident because I knew I was loved by the Lord and that the Holy Spirit was living in me.
Fast forward to Africa and the first few weeks. I was with a team and bungee jumping was number 1 on their list of things to do. I stood back and I cheered them on and watched them jump off a bridge. The secondhand anxiety I felt for them was almost too much. My hands were sweating, my heart was racing. I was talking to random strangers on the bridge about how I would never in a million years do that. I was saying these words all while knowing that in the back of my head, God was asking me to do it. I had known since month two on my race that eventually I would find myself jumping off a bridge.
I talked to my friend who tried to get me to jump in Nepal on my race. I aggressively told her that I would never, ever bungee. Ever. She gave me a pep talk. I got off the phone with 110% certainty that I would never do it. Later, I was talking to my dad who said something along the lines of “I thought you’ve gotten brave, why wouldn’t you bungee?” I talked to my brother who said the same thing. He told me that I better grab this experience with both hands and jump off the bridge. My brother is the one person that has talked me into crazy things in my life. With my dad and my brother, I wasn’t the one to start the conversation about jumping.
Fast forward a little more and I am living with a team that I invited into this journey of bravery back in Ecuador. I had a conversation with a few of them about how I thought I would face huge fears on this 9 month journey.
They didn’t let me forget it.
As the Lord was speaking abundance over this season, He was also showing me that this season is full of color. One night I was worshipping with the team and the song “You Make Me Brave” was played. One of the most overplayed songs of my life and I usually change it when it comes on. This time was different. This time the Lord started speaking all the words about bravery over my life. Throughout India I had forgotten that brave was something that was being spoken. I got caught up in freedom and abundance that I didn’t really think about the words spoken over me in Month 1.
He said “you have to be brave with trusting Me with your life.”
We got finished worshipping and I Googled what the word brave meant. What I found was that an antonym of brave is “colorless”.
I looked at the people sitting around me and said “I have to bungee jump.” One of the girls that I had invited into this journey months ago just smiled the smile that said “it’s about time your soul catches up to what He told you so long ago.” I got out my big notebook, wrote the word brave as big as I could and began to splatter all the colors of paint all over it. The page before this one was the word “yes” written in blue and green as big as possible. Side note: I have felt like blue and green represent abundance so when I drew “yes” and then colored it in, I had no idea that yes and brave would coincide and mean abundance.
Every single day I would think about jumping. My heart rate would rise and I would get that anxious feeling. The teams continued to encourage me and speak all the words over me because it was a constant conversation because it was a constant wrestle for me. I prayed through this for weeks. I would sit with the Lord. I decided to wait until Eryn and Sam, the greatest leadership team of my life, would be in town. I decided to wait until the whole squad wasn’t in town because here’s what I realized: this wasn’t about people seeing me do it. This was about my relationship with the Lord. My intimacy with the Lord going to a deeper level than ever before.
If you know anything about me, you know that freefalling and heights are my biggest fears. I can’t climb a ladder or jump off a rock without freaking out.
Yesterday, off to Victoria Falls we went.
All morning, I was scared out of my mind. Signed the waiver on the wrong line. Was so thirsty you would have thought I didn’t have any water for days. I may have said a few choice words, especially when I stepped out on the platform.
Some people on this squad have been teaching me all about making declarations. I do it everyday. Sometimes it’s “get rest” or “stop for every stranger I see” or “see God in every moment.” I felt like this one required a big, bold declaration. I had planned to scream it on the way down. I think Sam knew the reality of the situation and asked me my declaration before I jumped.
That my yes will always be brave.
I don’t ever want to say yes to the simple things and not the big ones. I want to always say yes even if some other words are uttered because of the magnitude of what the yes holds. I want to always say yes whether my knees are shaking or if they aren’t.
As I was sitting on this platform, I looked the man in the eyes that was putting all of the gear on me and said “I trust you with my life.” His response? “I trust you with your life and that you will jump well.” I am convinced he was Jesus in the form of an African man because after my jump, he wasn’t there for me to thank.
I inched towards the edge. I had told Sam and Eryn earlier that all I wanted from this jump was that I didn’t look like a fool trying to catch myself all the way down. I wanted to trust the Lord so much that I held the swan dive pose the whole way.
I don’t remember jumping. I remember the countdown and I remember the way down but the actual jump is a mystery to me. All I know is that I got an amount of confidence that could only come from the Lord because I would have never jumped on my own strength.
I realized about a second in that my eyes were closed and I was screaming like a child. I opened my eyes to see myself sailing past the full circle rainbow and heading for the raging water below. As I went through the rainbow, it’s like a piece of glass shattered and the whole world became the most colorful I had ever seen it. Right before I jumped a man told me to look up so I wouldn’t chicken out. They also told me to look up on the way down so that I could see the full rainbow.
I did.
It was beautiful and gave rainbows a whole new meaning. The Lord and I already had a thing for them but now I might cry every time I see one.
It was all over quicker than I would have liked. I screamed the entire time until I was just hanging upside down while waiting on the man to come get me. When he finally got hold of me and turned me right side up he asked “what do you think of the view from here?” He then spun me, where I could see a 360 view of the canyon. The rainbow, the falls, the river, the cliffs. Then he told me that he liked my scream and I told him that I literally couldn’t stop. It was a good thing I said that declaration before jumping.
I had to walk on a cat walk under the bridge to get back to the top. Along the way there were a few different workers striking up conversation and they all asked the same question: “who’s idea was this?” I was then able to tell them about Jesus and not just trusting Him with our death and eternity but with every moment of our lives.
Once at the top I passed quite a few people and they all said the same thing: “well done”.
I am convinced that every person I met from the time I was getting geared up to jump to the time that I was getting ungeared, was Jesus in human form. He told me multiple times that He is proud of me. That I am brave. That I trust Him.
I didn’t jump off a bridge to say that I jumped. I could have gone my whole life without doing it.
Jesus didn’t make me jump off the bridge. He could have taught me all the things on solid ground.
I didn’t have to prove things to myself. I could have built trust in the Lord in a million other ways and have been doing it in different ways my whole life.
He laid an invitation out in front of me.
I said yes.
A brave yes brings abundant freedom.
It’s the day after and I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I know that it isn’t the biggest yes I will ever utter to the Lord. There are things coming that are much greater than bungee jumping at one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
I will always say yes and the yes will always be brave.
I will continue to walk in freedom. I will continue to follow the Lord wherever He leads because life with Him is the greatest adventure of all.
I am sure bungee jumping is cool without the Lord but I think it’s a way better story when He’s in the beginning, middle and end of it.
I am thankful for a God that gives us invitations and for the people He places around us to help us say yes even when it’s a tough one to say yes to.
You can watch the whole video on Instagram: @kacietillman
